Through the fire

We try to tell ourselves that losing weight is only about the lifestyle change of dieting or changing one's diet and through exercise or getting active. But there is so much more. I have done this for over a year now. Obviously, I have gone through tribulations in the last year. I have been homeless and had other normal ups and downs of life during that time. So, I have proven to myself I have the drive and the motivation. But I have fallen back into old habits starting at Christmas with the emotional turmoil that I talked about in earlier blog posts. I have tried through starting a new program and Pokes for Fitness to overcome this but to no avail. I go back and forth a good day, a bad day, a good week, and a bad few days. What was different? I was liking myself last year. My weight loss and the people I met talking to me inspired me to keep going. But when you have this much to lose, other things, deeper things will come up I guess.

This has to be a total life overhaul not just about my food intake or my workout. Do I love myself? Yes. I did learn to do that last year. But do I really like myself? Not all the time. Like everyone else in your life. You don't always like yourself. And my definition of love is that love is a choice to do the very best for that person no matter the cost to you. I am not good at always making the right choices. How is it that you can love your husband, your kids, your best friends and even total strangers sometimes with so much unconditional love and then not show that to yourself? It's odd how I know that I am not the only one to do this.

I know this takes skills that somehow I never had or have lost along the way. I was raised by one good mother; she wasn't perfect. No one is. She did the best she could with what she had. I held her up like she was the world to me. She was and is my standard for being a good mom and person. I know I will probably never live up to this. At 36, I think I have finally come to terms with this. She had two good parents raise her. I know they weren't perfect either. She has had her own stuff to go through with her parentage. Sure I had a crap childhood until I was 12. I hated myself because of everything. I was to fat. My father had told me this. And I believed him. Still to this day I feel like I will never be normal. It's not the weight. I know after last year I could go and lose the weight. I also know due to the last two months, I could easily gain it right back. It scares me. I feel after a year I should be in better condition. I thought I should be able to do the 3 mile walk and the hour aerobics session that I did last week. But as the doctor pointed it, I am not normal. I am still almost 300lbs.

So, I made it to being a survivor from being a victim. I feel that in my heart. I am a survivor. I know that to the depths of my soul and back. But the question remains: how do you get from being a survivor to living life again? I know that living life includes things like taking care of yourself and making plans for the future and being adventurous and not hiding in the food or video games or relieving stress through an addiction. But how do you get there? I personally don't know the exact answer to that now but just living day to day isn't the answer. So, I woke up this morning with this song in my head: It has not left yet. It is like my soul is crying out to finish this journey. Saying to my heart I love you even if we have to go through the fire and get this all out and start over. Even if I have to start training myself to do simple tasks again. That we all learn as a child but somehow I have stopped doing thinking why bother if no one cares. I shouldn't base my happiness on the scale or if my husband notices my hairstyle or if I smell nice or if someone notices my weight loss. I need to do everything I do because I want to, because I care about myself enough to get enough sleep to properly care for myself or brush my teeth everyday or shower. Yeah I said it. Somethings have fallen by the wayside. I am being totally honest here. How many people let themselves slide if they have no place to go everyday? I know I am not the only one. So, don't say I am. But my point is I still have hope that I will not only lose the weight but start caring again. So, today I started reading a book about solving this. I have read it before or at least parts of it. It's called The Solution by Laurel Mellin, MA, RD. I have gone through two programs that dealt with these issues of the heart and weight loss before but I don't think these things always stuck because I wasn't in the best place to really finish this journey. I'll tell you more about this book later. My post seems to be getting rather long. But for now it's time to start delving into that fire and getting back to learning how to live again not just surviving.

No Matter What

I know I haven't posted in awhile I keep meaning to come back here and tell you what is going on but things keep getting in the way. I want to start posting more. I have started a new workout program since my weight loss had taken a turn for the worst since Christmas I had to get back on track. So I started Chalene Extreme from the same lady who did Turbo Jam, Chalene Johnson. I just love her. This program is a three month program. I started it 17 days ago. But I have been sick a few days and so has the rest of the family. Then I get back on track and I challenge myself to walk as far as I can on the day I have my hardest workout in this new program. Big, big mistake. I walked 3.1 miles and am so proud of myself and came home to do my regular program. I was scheduled to do a DVD named Burn Intervals and Ab Burner. But I have also been doing Pokes for Fitness on Facebook; which is great. The premise is you do usually 5 of whatever exercise you choose per poke. This was great to get me back on track and it challenges me so much. But I see all these people in the group doing hundreds and hundreds of situps or pushups and I think I should be able to push myself hard. It's like I forget I am still almost 300lbs; which apparently means I am going to sweat more than normal people and end up dehydrated. So I ended up in the emergency room the other day. Doctor says the dehydration led to my gallbladder spasming. I also have two gallstones and a kidney stone. Fun. lol so I have to go talk to a surgeon about having my gall bladder being removed. Figures after I fix my eating habits is when I have problems. Anyway, I will lose this weight, NO MATTER WHAT! I will not be taken out by a few sicknesses and some emotional crap. I am still in this fight to get my weight off.

My husband sent me this pic when we were dating. He lived in England and I was here in the states; 7-8,000 miles away. We had been talking for over 6 months and had decided we wanted to meet in person and found out how expensive it was. We decided that no matter what we would find a way to be together. It did finally happen. He did finally get here and we finally decided to get married. Those words NO MATTER WHAT mean a lot to me. I know if he loves me that much I should and will love myself that much today. I need to lose this weight for me because I love myself enough to live for me, for my family, for him and for my kids. I want to do crazy things like skate again. I don't mean this inline skating stuff the kids do today. I mean real skating...roller derby. My daughter thinks I am insane but I would love to do roller derby and run 5ks or walk a marathon again. I hate that it has to be someday. But at the moment it can't be tomorrow. But no matter what I will get there again.

Vulnerability and Making Connections

On my quest to loose weight, I have realized that the most important part is to take people along with you or at least join people along the way. People who are positive and know that this monumental task for me is doable and worth the hard work. But why is that hard work? To skinnier people or people who have never struggled with weight, they might think that this isn't that difficult. You just go workout and not eat that much. But if you never find out why you got to this point and sort it out, I know through experience you might lose the weight or a portion of it but eventually you have to be normal and not on a diet or you'll get bored or just let everything in life get you down. And I have a lot in life to get me down. From my past, my childhood and my first marriage, to all those little gripes that everyone has: 1) my kids annoy me by a)not listening to me, b)not doing their chores/homework at all or not well enough; 2) my spouse/SO doesn't pay enough attention to me (i.e. always gaming, not cuddling/having sex enough); and 3) I have worked so hard and yet it isn't enough.

But when we focus on that, we tend to stop doing the work. So today I watched this video on Hope.4.The.Journey


I don't know what someone else will get out of it. It is probably different for everybody; but I truly understand that we can be very vulnerable and not make those connections because we weren't vulnerable enough to talk to people. I can write this blog all day long and post on twitter and Facebook but if I don't say hi because I am too fearful to do it; then I haven't become vulnerable to that. I put my heart out there all the time in this blog and Facebook and occasionally on Twitter. But like I am sure a lot of people we don't bring up everything to our spouses about how we wish it would be because we know what will happen. And we don't say hi in an inbox to a total stranger even after reading their freakinly awesome blog or post because why we might not be answered or they might ask why did you inbox or friend request me. So what?

 I think today I realized I won't realize my potential unless I have those conversations. I won't lose anything by most of them. Ok I might make my husband mad and he might stonewall me more. lol I am open to suggestions. Losing the next 100lbs will take awhile so I would like something now that I can use today. But as for talking to you guys, I think it is time to not just talk to you or those other people on twitter and Facebook every once in a blue moon but start doing it daily so it isn't so scary.  If that makes me have connections or friends that would be great.

We all need to make connections whether it is for business or just to have a good laugh every once in awhile.It can make our lives richer, fuller and sometimes just down right better. So feel free to comment and let me know how to contact you so we can connect.

Discipline and a Little Teamwork

This is what it takes to stay motivated. Sometimes it isn't always there and we have to push and try to get ourselves off the floor to do what we need for the day to continue on our journey to heal and be fit. We need to know our why and keep it in mind. I don't want to get stuck and die because I couldn't get through my emotions. I know one way to keep it going long term is to get other people involved in reaching your goals.

How bout you? What motivates you? From this Friday on I want to start something to get to know my readers better. Please post a video that inspires you and put the link in my comments. Let me know if I can post the link and on Sunday or Monday I will post your links. Let's keep motivating each other.

Bleeding Love

I love this song but it really has spoken to me on a different level this weekend. If you have been following my journey,you know I have been struggling a bit with my feelings with my father. It hit me after a few talks with people and a lot of thinking. Love is like a drug, whether it is love like you love a lover or a parent or a friend and if that love isn't healthy it doesn't mean it isn't real but that you may need to cut that person out of your life not because you don't love them but because it can freeze you emotionally. When people stop drinking or doing drugs, it requires a lifestyle change and cutting out friends that may have them going back to their old life. I had done that with my father. As mean and horrible as it may sound to some, it was the best thing I did for myself. But when my brother contacted me and wanted me to get in contact with my father again, it made me "bleed" love. I do love him and yes he will always be part of my life because he is my father. But if you are bleeding love eventually you freeze and die emotionally. For me that means, I would eat myself into the grave and literally die eventually. This isn't good for me or my kids or my husband.

I am sure not everyone will understand this but that's ok. This is my song that I am dedicating to my father. Doug please listen.. I do love you and I always will. I know you think that I was brainwashed by Mom but I have my own mind always have. And this is still MY decision.

The Script - For The First Time (HD Version)

I was looking for another video to share with you this morning and I must have clicked the wrong link. This is from a band I have never heard of but I think it is still relevant. I might be weird but I think God talks to me through not only reading the Bible and prayer but through music. My schedule has to change so I can get up earlier. This is good even though I am so not a morning person. But when I get up earlier I can focus on me and have more to give my kids and husband. With this time, I can read my Bible and get back to being a better Christian and make sure my workout gets done.

It's about spending that time with myself and God just like this song talks about. Times might be tough but if we spend the time to get to know each other again it will bring back the feelings of falling in love for the first time. Only through having a better relationship with God and knowing myself better will I be able to get better and focus on healing.

Toto -Hold the Line

I know what you are thinking. This song isn't about weightloss or healing. But wait let me explain.

The work has gotten harder. I was on such an emotional  high going into the holidays and even through Thanksgiving. It was but one day. I was thinking Christmas and New Year's would be the same. But it wasn't. There is all the baggage from years past. I keep telling myself it is over. My mom got smart went on and got remarried. I, as you know,  left my ex and now have a good marriage and another child in addition to my beautiful teenage daughter. Life is going good right? Well, don't you know just when life is going good your self-doubts start to kick in. I only lost 53lbs. The guy on the Biggest Loser lost that much in his first two weeks! It took me a year. I started my own home business. Seems like it is going great. I got like 700 followers on twitter, almost 100 likers on Facebook, and a few here on blogger. I have two other coaches that I have personally sponsored and like 7 others that people above me have put under me. But I have only done this like 2 months. Am I seeing the income I want? No, because it isn't a job it's a business. I don't have the finances that some have to start with. So, my husband thinks I am only "playing on the computer" all day as I help others get started on their journey and help keep them motivated. Will it happen? Yes. I can see that all my hard work will eventually pay off for me and my family. So many business do fail in the first year I know but I also see the potential in this business to make me money.

I can't let my self doubt and the nay sayers get me down. I can see things changing in my life. I have accomplished so much. So what if it takes me longer to get to the finish line. Fact is IF I hold the line, keep doing what I am doing, keep pushing play everyday and working my game plan, things will work out. This is life. But I think all to often, we as humans tend to let past failures cloud our thinking even when we have a good thing going. It isn't in the way that you get there, it isn't in the words that people say to you, it isn't in the way you look now. Loving yourself isn't always on time. My accomplishments to date speak for themselves and if I want the outcome, I just have to keep doing what I am doing and not drop the ball. So what if you lose your way for a day or two or a week, the fact is get back on track and hold the line things will happen. It is so hard to see that in a long journey like this.

Things happen. You get sick or don't feel good for a few days. You can't workout for a few days. People think your crazy sometimes and don't think things are going fast enough and that it will never work. The best things in life are worth waiting for.We just have to put in the work. It took me years to get this way; it may take me more than a year to get my body back on track. If you're moving forward that is an accomplishment, whether anyone else sees it or not. to just make sure I continue to invest in myself. It is far to easy to quit when the going gets tough. lol I just thought about how many people do this with their marriages. It's too hard. I can't take it anymore. He isn't who I married. We all change, nobody is who they were when they got married. I know I changed the moment I said "I do" the first time. Man, thank God we can't divorce ourselves. Can you imagine the chaos?


Well, I guess that is my comic relief for the day.  Sorry, if I offended anyone with my take on marriage and divorce there. Have a good day and stop by my Facebook page, like me, and leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.