Vulnerability and Making Connections

On my quest to loose weight, I have realized that the most important part is to take people along with you or at least join people along the way. People who are positive and know that this monumental task for me is doable and worth the hard work. But why is that hard work? To skinnier people or people who have never struggled with weight, they might think that this isn't that difficult. You just go workout and not eat that much. But if you never find out why you got to this point and sort it out, I know through experience you might lose the weight or a portion of it but eventually you have to be normal and not on a diet or you'll get bored or just let everything in life get you down. And I have a lot in life to get me down. From my past, my childhood and my first marriage, to all those little gripes that everyone has: 1) my kids annoy me by a)not listening to me, b)not doing their chores/homework at all or not well enough; 2) my spouse/SO doesn't pay enough attention to me (i.e. always gaming, not cuddling/having sex enough); and 3) I have worked so hard and yet it isn't enough.

But when we focus on that, we tend to stop doing the work. So today I watched this video on Hope.4.The.Journey


I don't know what someone else will get out of it. It is probably different for everybody; but I truly understand that we can be very vulnerable and not make those connections because we weren't vulnerable enough to talk to people. I can write this blog all day long and post on twitter and Facebook but if I don't say hi because I am too fearful to do it; then I haven't become vulnerable to that. I put my heart out there all the time in this blog and Facebook and occasionally on Twitter. But like I am sure a lot of people we don't bring up everything to our spouses about how we wish it would be because we know what will happen. And we don't say hi in an inbox to a total stranger even after reading their freakinly awesome blog or post because why we might not be answered or they might ask why did you inbox or friend request me. So what?

 I think today I realized I won't realize my potential unless I have those conversations. I won't lose anything by most of them. Ok I might make my husband mad and he might stonewall me more. lol I am open to suggestions. Losing the next 100lbs will take awhile so I would like something now that I can use today. But as for talking to you guys, I think it is time to not just talk to you or those other people on twitter and Facebook every once in a blue moon but start doing it daily so it isn't so scary.  If that makes me have connections or friends that would be great.

We all need to make connections whether it is for business or just to have a good laugh every once in awhile.It can make our lives richer, fuller and sometimes just down right better. So feel free to comment and let me know how to contact you so we can connect.

Bleeding Love

I love this song but it really has spoken to me on a different level this weekend. If you have been following my journey,you know I have been struggling a bit with my feelings with my father. It hit me after a few talks with people and a lot of thinking. Love is like a drug, whether it is love like you love a lover or a parent or a friend and if that love isn't healthy it doesn't mean it isn't real but that you may need to cut that person out of your life not because you don't love them but because it can freeze you emotionally. When people stop drinking or doing drugs, it requires a lifestyle change and cutting out friends that may have them going back to their old life. I had done that with my father. As mean and horrible as it may sound to some, it was the best thing I did for myself. But when my brother contacted me and wanted me to get in contact with my father again, it made me "bleed" love. I do love him and yes he will always be part of my life because he is my father. But if you are bleeding love eventually you freeze and die emotionally. For me that means, I would eat myself into the grave and literally die eventually. This isn't good for me or my kids or my husband.

I am sure not everyone will understand this but that's ok. This is my song that I am dedicating to my father. Doug please listen.. I do love you and I always will. I know you think that I was brainwashed by Mom but I have my own mind always have. And this is still MY decision.

Day 14- Pushing myself and Being brave

Yesterday was a great day. Thanksgiving usually is. I got up early to cook most the day. I enlisted my daughter's and husband's help this year with the cooking. It was busy anyway. We ate our feast and I asked everyone what they were thankful for and everyone grumbled "Why does she always do this?" But it was good. We all are very thankful to have the roof over our heads and a table with chairs to eat at. Seems silly if you don't know, my family and I were homeless for about 7 weeks this summer. It was a very poorly planned out move to another state. Not like my husband didn't have a job. And then when we did got in here, we didn't have chairs because our chairs didn't fit in our moving van. So, needless to say we all had much to be thankful for. I had set up some goals for me to get through Thanksgiving without loosing weight. I made sure I had the cranberries, so I got in some fruit. I tried to have more turkey and not as much potatoes and stuffing. And most of all I was going to two workouts before I had pie. No matter what happened I told myself I would not beat myself up if I didn't do some of these things. Well, I met most of my goals. I didn't do two workouts, but I did do an hour worth of Turbo Cardio Party. I didn't want to; not sure why but my muscles just didn't want to move. I hadn't over eaten. I had to push myself to get through the video. But by the end I was happy I had and then I did allow myself a piece of pie. We all will have days like that when we just don't want to exercise, we may not want to but we need to. What we will find in pushing ourselves is that one we can do it and two pride in the accomplishment. 

Today, was also a very good day. I did the Turbo Jam 20 minute video. I know I needed to workout. It would have all been to easy with the holiday season to just not do it. I still don't do all the moves right but I am getting better. The more you do it the easier the moves get. My form isn't great but I know with time it will get better. My son even pretended to work out with me. He was really cute with his weighted gloves on and everything.

One thing about having my situation. the domestic violence that was proceeded by years of stalking is the isolation. I have spent years not trusting people, hiding myself away for fear of my ex-husband finding me and my daughter. This meant things like moving a lot, changing our names, never taking the same way home because I could and have been followed.  It also has meant no contracts on my cell phone because he found me once through that. I have had to be very protective of my privacy. Going online meant no pictures online and never putting my real city where I lived. Slowly through talking to others I have learned to trust. I met my husband on the internet while I was gaming. It wasn't like I was looking. It just happened and even then I waited six months to give him my phone number. It was the best thing that I ever did. We have now been married three and a half years and have a beautiful son together. Only through his love have I learned to trust others and start to love myself. Without him, I probably wouldn't have started this journey. I would have continued thinking I was doing the best I could under these conditions. It has been through the internet that I have gone to school and finished my education this past year and through the internet that I met my coach. These things have been life changers for me. The internet has allowed me to come out of my shell. So, it was highly appropriate that the final act of self confidence, the very act of being out there and releasing myself from my ex's hold was on the internet. I accomplished this today, 11 years, 2 months, and 3 days after that night that changed everything. The night I told you about in my first post. Today, I took that final act of bravery and posted my picture. It was scary. I did cry and within moments I was met with such wonderful comments from my family and friends that I am so glad I finally did it. Everyone commented on how beautiful I was inside and out. Before I would have argued with them but today looking at myself on Facebook I saw the beautiful woman I had become. I saw how happy I am in my eyes and knew that they were right. I may not be as skinny as I want to be, but beauty isn't about that.