We try to tell ourselves that losing weight is only about the lifestyle change of dieting or changing one's diet and through exercise or getting active. But there is so much more. I have done this for over a year now. Obviously, I have gone through tribulations in the last year. I have been homeless and had other normal ups and downs of life during that time. So, I have proven to myself I have the drive and the motivation. But I have fallen back into old habits starting at Christmas with the emotional turmoil that I talked about in earlier blog posts. I have tried through starting a new program and Pokes for Fitness to overcome this but to no avail. I go back and forth a good day, a bad day, a good week, and a bad few days. What was different? I was liking myself last year. My weight loss and the people I met talking to me inspired me to keep going. But when you have this much to lose, other things, deeper things will come up I guess.
This has to be a total life overhaul not just about my food intake or my workout. Do I love myself? Yes. I did learn to do that last year. But do I really like myself? Not all the time. Like everyone else in your life. You don't always like yourself. And my definition of love is that love is a choice to do the very best for that person no matter the cost to you. I am not good at always making the right choices. How is it that you can love your husband, your kids, your best friends and even total strangers sometimes with so much unconditional love and then not show that to yourself? It's odd how I know that I am not the only one to do this.
I know this takes skills that somehow I never had or have lost along the way. I was raised by one good mother; she wasn't perfect. No one is. She did the best she could with what she had. I held her up like she was the world to me. She was and is my standard for being a good mom and person. I know I will probably never live up to this. At 36, I think I have finally come to terms with this. She had two good parents raise her. I know they weren't perfect either. She has had her own stuff to go through with her parentage. Sure I had a crap childhood until I was 12. I hated myself because of everything. I was to fat. My father had told me this. And I believed him. Still to this day I feel like I will never be normal. It's not the weight. I know after last year I could go and lose the weight. I also know due to the last two months, I could easily gain it right back. It scares me. I feel after a year I should be in better condition. I thought I should be able to do the 3 mile walk and the hour aerobics session that I did last week. But as the doctor pointed it, I am not normal. I am still almost 300lbs.
So, I made it to being a survivor from being a victim. I feel that in my heart. I am a survivor. I know that to the depths of my soul and back. But the question remains: how do you get from being a survivor to living life again? I know that living life includes things like taking care of yourself and making plans for the future and being adventurous and not hiding in the food or video games or relieving stress through an addiction. But how do you get there? I personally don't know the exact answer to that now but just living day to day isn't the answer. So, I woke up this morning with this song in my head: It has not left yet. It is like my soul is crying out to finish this journey. Saying to my heart I love you even if we have to go through the fire and get this all out and start over. Even if I have to start training myself to do simple tasks again. That we all learn as a child but somehow I have stopped doing thinking why bother if no one cares. I shouldn't base my happiness on the scale or if my husband notices my hairstyle or if I smell nice or if someone notices my weight loss. I need to do everything I do because I want to, because I care about myself enough to get enough sleep to properly care for myself or brush my teeth everyday or shower. Yeah I said it. Somethings have fallen by the wayside. I am being totally honest here. How many people let themselves slide if they have no place to go everyday? I know I am not the only one. So, don't say I am. But my point is I still have hope that I will not only lose the weight but start caring again. So, today I started reading a book about solving this. I have read it before or at least parts of it. It's called The Solution by Laurel Mellin, MA, RD. I have gone through two programs that dealt with these issues of the heart and weight loss before but I don't think these things always stuck because I wasn't in the best place to really finish this journey. I'll tell you more about this book later. My post seems to be getting rather long. But for now it's time to start delving into that fire and getting back to learning how to live again not just surviving.
Showing posts with label weightloss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weightloss. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
No Matter What
I know I haven't posted in awhile I keep meaning to come back here and tell you what is going on but things keep getting in the way. I want to start posting more. I have started a new workout program since my weight loss had taken a turn for the worst since Christmas I had to get back on track. So I started Chalene Extreme from the same lady who did Turbo Jam, Chalene Johnson. I just love her. This program is a three month program. I started it 17 days ago. But I have been sick a few days and so has the rest of the family. Then I get back on track and I challenge myself to walk as far as I can on the day I have my hardest workout in this new program. Big, big mistake. I walked 3.1 miles and am so proud of myself and came home to do my regular program. I was scheduled to do a DVD named Burn Intervals and Ab Burner. But I have also been doing Pokes for Fitness on Facebook; which is great. The premise is you do usually 5 of whatever exercise you choose per poke. This was great to get me back on track and it challenges me so much. But I see all these people in the group doing hundreds and hundreds of situps or pushups and I think I should be able to push myself hard. It's like I forget I am still almost 300lbs; which apparently means I am going to sweat more than normal people and end up dehydrated. So I ended up in the emergency room the other day. Doctor says the dehydration led to my gallbladder spasming. I also have two gallstones and a kidney stone. Fun. lol so I have to go talk to a surgeon about having my gall bladder being removed. Figures after I fix my eating habits is when I have problems. Anyway, I will lose this weight, NO MATTER WHAT! I will not be taken out by a few sicknesses and some emotional crap. I am still in this fight to get my weight off.
My husband sent me this pic when we were dating. He lived in England and I was here in the states; 7-8,000 miles away. We had been talking for over 6 months and had decided we wanted to meet in person and found out how expensive it was. We decided that no matter what we would find a way to be together. It did finally happen. He did finally get here and we finally decided to get married. Those words NO MATTER WHAT mean a lot to me. I know if he loves me that much I should and will love myself that much today. I need to lose this weight for me because I love myself enough to live for me, for my family, for him and for my kids. I want to do crazy things like skate again. I don't mean this inline skating stuff the kids do today. I mean real skating...roller derby. My daughter thinks I am insane but I would love to do roller derby and run 5ks or walk a marathon again. I hate that it has to be someday. But at the moment it can't be tomorrow. But no matter what I will get there again.
My husband sent me this pic when we were dating. He lived in England and I was here in the states; 7-8,000 miles away. We had been talking for over 6 months and had decided we wanted to meet in person and found out how expensive it was. We decided that no matter what we would find a way to be together. It did finally happen. He did finally get here and we finally decided to get married. Those words NO MATTER WHAT mean a lot to me. I know if he loves me that much I should and will love myself that much today. I need to lose this weight for me because I love myself enough to live for me, for my family, for him and for my kids. I want to do crazy things like skate again. I don't mean this inline skating stuff the kids do today. I mean real skating...roller derby. My daughter thinks I am insane but I would love to do roller derby and run 5ks or walk a marathon again. I hate that it has to be someday. But at the moment it can't be tomorrow. But no matter what I will get there again.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Vulnerability and Making Connections
On my quest to loose weight, I have realized that the most important part is to take people along with you or at least join people along the way. People who are positive and know that this monumental task for me is doable and worth the hard work. But why is that hard work? To skinnier people or people who have never struggled with weight, they might think that this isn't that difficult. You just go workout and not eat that much. But if you never find out why you got to this point and sort it out, I know through experience you might lose the weight or a portion of it but eventually you have to be normal and not on a diet or you'll get bored or just let everything in life get you down. And I have a lot in life to get me down. From my past, my childhood and my first marriage, to all those little gripes that everyone has: 1) my kids annoy me by a)not listening to me, b)not doing their chores/homework at all or not well enough; 2) my spouse/SO doesn't pay enough attention to me (i.e. always gaming, not cuddling/having sex enough); and 3) I have worked so hard and yet it isn't enough.
But when we focus on that, we tend to stop doing the work. So today I watched this video on Hope.4.The.Journey
I don't know what someone else will get out of it. It is probably different for everybody; but I truly understand that we can be very vulnerable and not make those connections because we weren't vulnerable enough to talk to people. I can write this blog all day long and post on twitter and Facebook but if I don't say hi because I am too fearful to do it; then I haven't become vulnerable to that. I put my heart out there all the time in this blog and Facebook and occasionally on Twitter. But like I am sure a lot of people we don't bring up everything to our spouses about how we wish it would be because we know what will happen. And we don't say hi in an inbox to a total stranger even after reading their freakinly awesome blog or post because why we might not be answered or they might ask why did you inbox or friend request me. So what?
I think today I realized I won't realize my potential unless I have those conversations. I won't lose anything by most of them. Ok I might make my husband mad and he might stonewall me more. lol I am open to suggestions. Losing the next 100lbs will take awhile so I would like something now that I can use today. But as for talking to you guys, I think it is time to not just talk to you or those other people on twitter and Facebook every once in a blue moon but start doing it daily so it isn't so scary. If that makes me have connections or friends that would be great.
We all need to make connections whether it is for business or just to have a good laugh every once in awhile.It can make our lives richer, fuller and sometimes just down right better. So feel free to comment and let me know how to contact you so we can connect.
But when we focus on that, we tend to stop doing the work. So today I watched this video on Hope.4.The.Journey
I don't know what someone else will get out of it. It is probably different for everybody; but I truly understand that we can be very vulnerable and not make those connections because we weren't vulnerable enough to talk to people. I can write this blog all day long and post on twitter and Facebook but if I don't say hi because I am too fearful to do it; then I haven't become vulnerable to that. I put my heart out there all the time in this blog and Facebook and occasionally on Twitter. But like I am sure a lot of people we don't bring up everything to our spouses about how we wish it would be because we know what will happen. And we don't say hi in an inbox to a total stranger even after reading their freakinly awesome blog or post because why we might not be answered or they might ask why did you inbox or friend request me. So what?
I think today I realized I won't realize my potential unless I have those conversations. I won't lose anything by most of them. Ok I might make my husband mad and he might stonewall me more. lol I am open to suggestions. Losing the next 100lbs will take awhile so I would like something now that I can use today. But as for talking to you guys, I think it is time to not just talk to you or those other people on twitter and Facebook every once in a blue moon but start doing it daily so it isn't so scary. If that makes me have connections or friends that would be great.
We all need to make connections whether it is for business or just to have a good laugh every once in awhile.It can make our lives richer, fuller and sometimes just down right better. So feel free to comment and let me know how to contact you so we can connect.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Toto -Hold the Line
I know what you are thinking. This song isn't about weightloss or healing. But wait let me explain.
The work has gotten harder. I was on such an emotional high going into the holidays and even through Thanksgiving. It was but one day. I was thinking Christmas and New Year's would be the same. But it wasn't. There is all the baggage from years past. I keep telling myself it is over. My mom got smart went on and got remarried. I, as you know, left my ex and now have a good marriage and another child in addition to my beautiful teenage daughter. Life is going good right? Well, don't you know just when life is going good your self-doubts start to kick in. I only lost 53lbs. The guy on the Biggest Loser lost that much in his first two weeks! It took me a year. I started my own home business. Seems like it is going great. I got like 700 followers on twitter, almost 100 likers on Facebook, and a few here on blogger. I have two other coaches that I have personally sponsored and like 7 others that people above me have put under me. But I have only done this like 2 months. Am I seeing the income I want? No, because it isn't a job it's a business. I don't have the finances that some have to start with. So, my husband thinks I am only "playing on the computer" all day as I help others get started on their journey and help keep them motivated. Will it happen? Yes. I can see that all my hard work will eventually pay off for me and my family. So many business do fail in the first year I know but I also see the potential in this business to make me money.
I can't let my self doubt and the nay sayers get me down. I can see things changing in my life. I have accomplished so much. So what if it takes me longer to get to the finish line. Fact is IF I hold the line, keep doing what I am doing, keep pushing play everyday and working my game plan, things will work out. This is life. But I think all to often, we as humans tend to let past failures cloud our thinking even when we have a good thing going. It isn't in the way that you get there, it isn't in the words that people say to you, it isn't in the way you look now. Loving yourself isn't always on time. My accomplishments to date speak for themselves and if I want the outcome, I just have to keep doing what I am doing and not drop the ball. So what if you lose your way for a day or two or a week, the fact is get back on track and hold the line things will happen. It is so hard to see that in a long journey like this.
Things happen. You get sick or don't feel good for a few days. You can't workout for a few days. People think your crazy sometimes and don't think things are going fast enough and that it will never work. The best things in life are worth waiting for.We just have to put in the work. It took me years to get this way; it may take me more than a year to get my body back on track. If you're moving forward that is an accomplishment, whether anyone else sees it or not. to just make sure I continue to invest in myself. It is far to easy to quit when the going gets tough. lol I just thought about how many people do this with their marriages. It's too hard. I can't take it anymore. He isn't who I married. We all change, nobody is who they were when they got married. I know I changed the moment I said "I do" the first time. Man, thank God we can't divorce ourselves. Can you imagine the chaos?
Well, I guess that is my comic relief for the day. Sorry, if I offended anyone with my take on marriage and divorce there. Have a good day and stop by my Facebook page, like me, and leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.
The work has gotten harder. I was on such an emotional high going into the holidays and even through Thanksgiving. It was but one day. I was thinking Christmas and New Year's would be the same. But it wasn't. There is all the baggage from years past. I keep telling myself it is over. My mom got smart went on and got remarried. I, as you know, left my ex and now have a good marriage and another child in addition to my beautiful teenage daughter. Life is going good right? Well, don't you know just when life is going good your self-doubts start to kick in. I only lost 53lbs. The guy on the Biggest Loser lost that much in his first two weeks! It took me a year. I started my own home business. Seems like it is going great. I got like 700 followers on twitter, almost 100 likers on Facebook, and a few here on blogger. I have two other coaches that I have personally sponsored and like 7 others that people above me have put under me. But I have only done this like 2 months. Am I seeing the income I want? No, because it isn't a job it's a business. I don't have the finances that some have to start with. So, my husband thinks I am only "playing on the computer" all day as I help others get started on their journey and help keep them motivated. Will it happen? Yes. I can see that all my hard work will eventually pay off for me and my family. So many business do fail in the first year I know but I also see the potential in this business to make me money.
I can't let my self doubt and the nay sayers get me down. I can see things changing in my life. I have accomplished so much. So what if it takes me longer to get to the finish line. Fact is IF I hold the line, keep doing what I am doing, keep pushing play everyday and working my game plan, things will work out. This is life. But I think all to often, we as humans tend to let past failures cloud our thinking even when we have a good thing going. It isn't in the way that you get there, it isn't in the words that people say to you, it isn't in the way you look now. Loving yourself isn't always on time. My accomplishments to date speak for themselves and if I want the outcome, I just have to keep doing what I am doing and not drop the ball. So what if you lose your way for a day or two or a week, the fact is get back on track and hold the line things will happen. It is so hard to see that in a long journey like this.
Things happen. You get sick or don't feel good for a few days. You can't workout for a few days. People think your crazy sometimes and don't think things are going fast enough and that it will never work. The best things in life are worth waiting for.We just have to put in the work. It took me years to get this way; it may take me more than a year to get my body back on track. If you're moving forward that is an accomplishment, whether anyone else sees it or not. to just make sure I continue to invest in myself. It is far to easy to quit when the going gets tough. lol I just thought about how many people do this with their marriages. It's too hard. I can't take it anymore. He isn't who I married. We all change, nobody is who they were when they got married. I know I changed the moment I said "I do" the first time. Man, thank God we can't divorce ourselves. Can you imagine the chaos?
Well, I guess that is my comic relief for the day. Sorry, if I offended anyone with my take on marriage and divorce there. Have a good day and stop by my Facebook page, like me, and leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year's and Holiday Struggles
Happy New Year! The Christmas and New Year's Eve was tough on my workout schedule with my daughter and my husband home more and getting the house ready. Not to mention the food and the alcohol. Through it all I didn't miss more than a day or two at a time but still that wasn't my plan. I just didn't stay very motivated. I didn't stay contented with my coach or my coach network as much as I should have. But it is a new year, time to reevaluate and get back on track. No worries; took my measurements on Jan 1 and not doing to badly just not as good as I would have liked.
Waist 49" L. Arm 13.5" L Leg 23"
Hips 54.5" weight 284
So, my measurements weren't great but it wasn't horrible, but that is where I am. I have loved Turbo Jam. I have done it almost 2 months with being sick and the holidays. I am so glad I bough it. I stuck with it longer than any program I have ever bought. But I know after the holidays, I have a lot more work to do on my body (I want to lose over 100lbs this year) and I have more mental work to do to heal. I am so glad I am married to a loving man these days but I would really like to get to that place where holidays don't remind me of horrible memories. I know they are only memories but it has been my life.
I am only 36 but still feel like I have had 3 lifetimes maybe more. One with my dad,mom, and brother before I was 12, one with my mom as a single mom and my brother for part of it, and one with my ex husband which led to running away with my daughter and changing my name and social. How do you integrate these? They seem like such different experiences. Nothing was gradual. Everything seem to end so abruptly, except for the time with my mom. We had some of the funnest times and I did the natural progression and went to college, came home and ventured out on my own. But then I was married so quick. There was so much trauma with my dad and my ex husband and running away from him had such an impact on me. Being that scared for so long is never good on anyone. I have very few good memories with my father or my ex husband. I know there must have been more. The best memories of my father are when I was younger he made vanilla cokes for me and my brother one Saturday that my mom worked. The other good memories I have of him are of him playing guitar and singing. First lullabies and then songs he had written. He is an awesome musician and songwriter. Even had a few songs recorded but like some great musicians he was bipolar and he treated it with alcohol, which didn't make him a nice man.The older I got the worse it seemed to be the longer he was depressed. This takes a toll on a marriage and relationships with children. It seemed the more depressed he became the more he drank and the less we could please him. My preteen years were filled with trying to make him happy and him thinking I was lying or waking me up to practice piano or wash ALL the dishes because one dish wasn't cleaned properly. He lashed out a lot; he spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom or staying up late to watch adult movies when we finally got cable. Yes, he was abusive. I never wanted my kids to deal with this. I spent my teen years trying to pretend I didn't have a father. I had great Christian men who were like adopted dads to me at church. Thank God for them showing me that men could be loving and not be mean and cruel. My father eventually hit rock bottom after losing me and my mother; he kept a relationship with my brother. So, I tried to have a relationship with him thinking he was fixed. After all he was sober and had become a drug and alcohol counselor. But things never felt right, I always felt like he was lecturing me to not take any medicine even when I knew I needed it or when my daughter needed it. Things really hit an impasse when I wouldn't let my daughter go see him without me. But my job after I left my ex was to keep her safe. I agreed to give him my address so he could send school supplies. Next thing I knew my ex showed up in the town I had escaped to, 3000 miles away. I know in my heart my father gave him my address. This is just such a hard thing. It took me years to deal with the abuse and get over it. I have cut my father out of my life and have gotten together with my new husband since and am happy with my life. But now my brother wants me to talk to him again. I was doing great until my brother told me he listens to my dad cry about his non-relationship with me. I hate hurting people but my life was better until my brother got upset about this. I had moved on. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my brother with all of this. This is why holidays are hard. Families make you feel guilty or create drama. Memories get stirred up that were better left alone. I don't know the solution. I am just writing at this point and hoping I can work this out in my mind so I can get my focus back some. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. I just know I don't really want my father in my life.
Chest 41.5" R. Arm 13" R. Leg 22"
Waist 49" L. Arm 13.5" L Leg 23"
Hips 54.5" weight 284
So, my measurements weren't great but it wasn't horrible, but that is where I am. I have loved Turbo Jam. I have done it almost 2 months with being sick and the holidays. I am so glad I bough it. I stuck with it longer than any program I have ever bought. But I know after the holidays, I have a lot more work to do on my body (I want to lose over 100lbs this year) and I have more mental work to do to heal. I am so glad I am married to a loving man these days but I would really like to get to that place where holidays don't remind me of horrible memories. I know they are only memories but it has been my life.
I am only 36 but still feel like I have had 3 lifetimes maybe more. One with my dad,mom, and brother before I was 12, one with my mom as a single mom and my brother for part of it, and one with my ex husband which led to running away with my daughter and changing my name and social. How do you integrate these? They seem like such different experiences. Nothing was gradual. Everything seem to end so abruptly, except for the time with my mom. We had some of the funnest times and I did the natural progression and went to college, came home and ventured out on my own. But then I was married so quick. There was so much trauma with my dad and my ex husband and running away from him had such an impact on me. Being that scared for so long is never good on anyone. I have very few good memories with my father or my ex husband. I know there must have been more. The best memories of my father are when I was younger he made vanilla cokes for me and my brother one Saturday that my mom worked. The other good memories I have of him are of him playing guitar and singing. First lullabies and then songs he had written. He is an awesome musician and songwriter. Even had a few songs recorded but like some great musicians he was bipolar and he treated it with alcohol, which didn't make him a nice man.The older I got the worse it seemed to be the longer he was depressed. This takes a toll on a marriage and relationships with children. It seemed the more depressed he became the more he drank and the less we could please him. My preteen years were filled with trying to make him happy and him thinking I was lying or waking me up to practice piano or wash ALL the dishes because one dish wasn't cleaned properly. He lashed out a lot; he spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom or staying up late to watch adult movies when we finally got cable. Yes, he was abusive. I never wanted my kids to deal with this. I spent my teen years trying to pretend I didn't have a father. I had great Christian men who were like adopted dads to me at church. Thank God for them showing me that men could be loving and not be mean and cruel. My father eventually hit rock bottom after losing me and my mother; he kept a relationship with my brother. So, I tried to have a relationship with him thinking he was fixed. After all he was sober and had become a drug and alcohol counselor. But things never felt right, I always felt like he was lecturing me to not take any medicine even when I knew I needed it or when my daughter needed it. Things really hit an impasse when I wouldn't let my daughter go see him without me. But my job after I left my ex was to keep her safe. I agreed to give him my address so he could send school supplies. Next thing I knew my ex showed up in the town I had escaped to, 3000 miles away. I know in my heart my father gave him my address. This is just such a hard thing. It took me years to deal with the abuse and get over it. I have cut my father out of my life and have gotten together with my new husband since and am happy with my life. But now my brother wants me to talk to him again. I was doing great until my brother told me he listens to my dad cry about his non-relationship with me. I hate hurting people but my life was better until my brother got upset about this. I had moved on. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my brother with all of this. This is why holidays are hard. Families make you feel guilty or create drama. Memories get stirred up that were better left alone. I don't know the solution. I am just writing at this point and hoping I can work this out in my mind so I can get my focus back some. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. I just know I don't really want my father in my life.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Day 34- Year End pictures and What I Have Gained
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| 5/30/2010 before |
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| 5/30/2010 before |
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| 12/21/2010 53 lbs down |
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| 12/21/2010 53lbs down |
Starting out was hard.
Staying motivated was probably the hardest thing.
It is now getting easier. I am happy and have more energy.
I still have a lot to lose and yes that is lose skin on my arms. When you have this much fat lost, you may get lose skin like this. It's ok at least I am healthier. And I am learning to be good to myself. I am not perfect; never will be. I learn things everyday (like how to post these pics). Most of all I am learning to love me. Yes I could have lost more this year. I didn't do my best but I did it. Next year I will do better. But I have gained so much more than just a healthier body. I am gaining mental health. I know now that I am in control of me. My tapes that used to play in my head, I don't hear that much anymore. I am a good person. I know that I can and will lose this weight. I know now that I can get a man to love me for me, not my potential. Being married past the time I was with my first husband, has showed me not all men are like my ex. I am stronger both physically and emotionally. I can't put a price tag on that.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Day 32- Month and year results
These were my original measurements on Day 3:
Chest 44" R. Arm 16.75" R. Leg 27.75"
Waist 53.5" L. Arm 16" L Leg 28"
Hips 56.5" weight 301 lbs
These are my new measurements:
Chest 41.5" R. Arm 13" R. Leg 22"
Waist 49" L. Arm 13.5" L Leg 23"
Hips 54.5" weight 284
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile I have been really sick. In fact, at the moment I have a sinus infection. But when I went to the doctor today I made them weigh me. Woohoo! I broke the 300 mark and crushed it. I am now 284. I can't believe it. I haven't got to workout very much in the last two weeks but I have eaten really small amounts because I wasn't really hungry. There were even times I made myself eat because I hadn't eaten or plain wasn't hungry all day. Sickness can do that to you. Funny it never did that before but this is a new chapter in my life. I have officially lost 53 lbs now. So in the last month I have lost 17 lbs and 25 inches. I checked these like 10 times. It doesn't feel right. I have never done anything like this. Life does go on and just seems to get better.
Don't let this fool you I have not forgotten why I get sinus infections. I get these every year. I hate them and I never got them before the attack from my ex. I got them several times a year the first few years after. Now it is down to once a year. It is a constant reminder when it happens of that night when he body slammed me and beat my face into the floor. The doctors have taken multiple x-rays and say their is no permanent damage but I still get these sinus infections. I hope in time maybe I won't get them anymore. But only time will tell. For now I just need to stay focused on my journey. And if I can continue to help others, that is what will help me be happy,motivated and accountable.
So tomorrow I will take pictures and post them on my Facebook page for you. Here's the link to Gabby Wells, my Facebook page. Please come and view them. I would love for you to "like" my page and connect with you there.
Chest 44" R. Arm 16.75" R. Leg 27.75"
Waist 53.5" L. Arm 16" L Leg 28"
Hips 56.5" weight 301 lbs
These are my new measurements:
Chest 41.5" R. Arm 13" R. Leg 22"
Waist 49" L. Arm 13.5" L Leg 23"
Hips 54.5" weight 284
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile I have been really sick. In fact, at the moment I have a sinus infection. But when I went to the doctor today I made them weigh me. Woohoo! I broke the 300 mark and crushed it. I am now 284. I can't believe it. I haven't got to workout very much in the last two weeks but I have eaten really small amounts because I wasn't really hungry. There were even times I made myself eat because I hadn't eaten or plain wasn't hungry all day. Sickness can do that to you. Funny it never did that before but this is a new chapter in my life. I have officially lost 53 lbs now. So in the last month I have lost 17 lbs and 25 inches. I checked these like 10 times. It doesn't feel right. I have never done anything like this. Life does go on and just seems to get better.
Don't let this fool you I have not forgotten why I get sinus infections. I get these every year. I hate them and I never got them before the attack from my ex. I got them several times a year the first few years after. Now it is down to once a year. It is a constant reminder when it happens of that night when he body slammed me and beat my face into the floor. The doctors have taken multiple x-rays and say their is no permanent damage but I still get these sinus infections. I hope in time maybe I won't get them anymore. But only time will tell. For now I just need to stay focused on my journey. And if I can continue to help others, that is what will help me be happy,motivated and accountable.
So tomorrow I will take pictures and post them on my Facebook page for you. Here's the link to Gabby Wells, my Facebook page. Please come and view them. I would love for you to "like" my page and connect with you there.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Day 20- A Setback and A New Plan to Forge Ahead
Well, yesterday I went to the doctor and got weighed. I wasn't to happy with the results.I now weigh 304. That means I have gained 3 pounds. I have worked hard so this makes me a little mad at myself. So, I took my measurements again to see if they had changed, hoping to find some rhyme or reason for this. Here are my measurements:
Chest 44" new 43" R. Arm 14" new 15" R. Leg 24.25" new 24.5"
Waist 51" new 52.5" L. Arm 14.5" new 14.5" L Leg 25" new 25"
Hips 55.25" new 54"
After looking at this, I am guessing it could be a couple of things. 1) I wasn't that great at calorie control during Thanksgiving and 2) I probably have had some muscle gain.I know it could also be water weight. It makes me a little upset. I have decided that I need to watch my water intake a little better and start weighing my food in an effort to track my calories better. After all I have been doing about the same thing now since March. My body has probably adjusted to my smaller portions and now it is probably time to focus more on my food once again. So, today I went and bought a food scale. Time to rev up my efforts into high gear again. I won't let 3 lbs beat me. I have worked way to hard for this. I go see the doctor again on Monday for my medication refill. I know they will weigh me again. Wish it wasn't so soon. I know how addicted I can get to seeing the numbers. But who knows maybe I will have a nice outcome. My new plan will be to weigh all my food to come up with a calorie count. Track this on my Blackberry along with my water content and my workouts. I may not have a Bodybugg to see exactly what my energy expenditures are but my tracker can give me a rough estimate and do the math. Just in case this is something that you would like to do for your weight loss efforts. You can get a free tracker for your smart phone at SparkPeople.com. I already track my workouts at WOWY through beachbody.com but it does not say what my calories burned are. The thing I do like about WOWY Supergym is that I get a monthly view of what I have done and I get to chat in the cool down chat after I workout with people who are cooling down also. But having a tracker on your phone is invaluable. It is with you through out your whole day no matter where you are. I have used it before, hence it is already on my phone.
Chest 44" new 43" R. Arm 14" new 15" R. Leg 24.25" new 24.5"
Waist 51" new 52.5" L. Arm 14.5" new 14.5" L Leg 25" new 25"
Hips 55.25" new 54"
After looking at this, I am guessing it could be a couple of things. 1) I wasn't that great at calorie control during Thanksgiving and 2) I probably have had some muscle gain.I know it could also be water weight. It makes me a little upset. I have decided that I need to watch my water intake a little better and start weighing my food in an effort to track my calories better. After all I have been doing about the same thing now since March. My body has probably adjusted to my smaller portions and now it is probably time to focus more on my food once again. So, today I went and bought a food scale. Time to rev up my efforts into high gear again. I won't let 3 lbs beat me. I have worked way to hard for this. I go see the doctor again on Monday for my medication refill. I know they will weigh me again. Wish it wasn't so soon. I know how addicted I can get to seeing the numbers. But who knows maybe I will have a nice outcome. My new plan will be to weigh all my food to come up with a calorie count. Track this on my Blackberry along with my water content and my workouts. I may not have a Bodybugg to see exactly what my energy expenditures are but my tracker can give me a rough estimate and do the math. Just in case this is something that you would like to do for your weight loss efforts. You can get a free tracker for your smart phone at SparkPeople.com. I already track my workouts at WOWY through beachbody.com but it does not say what my calories burned are. The thing I do like about WOWY Supergym is that I get a monthly view of what I have done and I get to chat in the cool down chat after I workout with people who are cooling down also. But having a tracker on your phone is invaluable. It is with you through out your whole day no matter where you are. I have used it before, hence it is already on my phone.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Day 16- Good Results and Thoughts on Being Human
This week was a little more difficult in some ways staying on track. For my readers who aren't in the US, it was Thanksgiving, which is a holiday here that includes an incredible feast with family much like Christmas. So, having Turkey and mash potatoes is never great but having a lot of leftovers can be even worse on a diet. I wanted to do two workouts a day to help and try to keep my portions down. Well, I did pretty good with my portions on all the other days, except the actual Thanksgiving dinner. I did allow myself to have a little more but not a lot and no seconds. I even made myself workout before I had my pie. As my other posts this week have pointed at, I did not get two workouts a day in and I had to take two days off. My muscles are sore and heavy which makes working out hard. But I know the more I push myself the better I get. The stronger I feel. my punches are stronger, more precise and my kicks are stronger. I know this workout is kickboxing and not self defense but I know these moves could be used for that.It makes me feel like maybe I could defend myself if I needed to. After all I don't want to ever be put in the positions I have been. I think if only I had known this or that move. If only I had known my ex-husband was cheating on me. If only I had known about, certain things; maybe it would have been different but you know we can't go back and change the past. All we can do is live in the present and plan for the future. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. My ex may get wind of my online presence and come after me, heaven forbid. But if he does I hope all the work I am doing now, will prepare me. Saying that I guess I am still scared, but who wouldn't be? He told me that when I least expected it, he would be there. So, I try to stay vigilant about the safety of myself and my family. I know what he is capable of, even if my husband now says my ex won't do anything because he is here. I know it has been many years but you never forget when you are hurt like this. I have learned to forgive. Some may say how can you? Some things are just unforgivable but you know unforgiveness only breeds bitterness and anger. I don't want to be bitter. I have lived with bitter people before and it is much nicer for you and the people around you if you are not a bitter person. I hear my friends at church say to forgive and forget. My answer is "I am not God. I am human and in my mind it is like it was yesterday. If I forget, then it leaves me open to letting it happen again." You never know what will happen, good or bad. Being prepared for anything is your best option.
Took more measurement tonight.
Chest 43.25" new 44" R. Arm 15" new 14" R. Leg 25.25" new 24.25"
Waist 53" new 51" L. Arm 15.5" new 14.5" L Leg 25.5" new 25"
Hips 56" new 55.25"
So, you can see I lost 5.5 more inches. That brings my total up to 15". Woohoo! Got tons more to go. I really do need to go to my doctor and get weighed this week. So excited but even if the scale doesn't say what I want I know my body is changing.
Hopefully, if there is anything that you as my reader can take away from this is you can't control anyone but you. Be kind to yourself; sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Deal with it and move on. If I had done what I have done before, I would have told myself how stupid I was for not doing what I had planned and that I couldn't do it because I had no willpower. It is just too hard. What good did that ever do me? I ended up fatter every time. I ended up unhappy and even more unhealthy. The other thing is I was proving my ex and my Dad right whenever I let myself fail. I don't want them to have that kind of power over me. I want to have power over myself. It truly is mind over matter. Having the will to succeed doesn't happen over night. This thinking took work. I started changing my thinking not with this blog, although blogging does change it in some ways, but this has taken me since I think March of this year. It wasn't over night. It took telling myself these things over and over till I believed them. Now I don't remember the last time I call myself names like stupid or fat. I have blonde moments don't get me wrong. They are just mistakes. I know that doesn't make me stupid. It makes me human.
Took more measurement tonight.
Chest 43.25" new 44" R. Arm 15" new 14" R. Leg 25.25" new 24.25"
Waist 53" new 51" L. Arm 15.5" new 14.5" L Leg 25.5" new 25"
Hips 56" new 55.25"
So, you can see I lost 5.5 more inches. That brings my total up to 15". Woohoo! Got tons more to go. I really do need to go to my doctor and get weighed this week. So excited but even if the scale doesn't say what I want I know my body is changing.
Hopefully, if there is anything that you as my reader can take away from this is you can't control anyone but you. Be kind to yourself; sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Deal with it and move on. If I had done what I have done before, I would have told myself how stupid I was for not doing what I had planned and that I couldn't do it because I had no willpower. It is just too hard. What good did that ever do me? I ended up fatter every time. I ended up unhappy and even more unhealthy. The other thing is I was proving my ex and my Dad right whenever I let myself fail. I don't want them to have that kind of power over me. I want to have power over myself. It truly is mind over matter. Having the will to succeed doesn't happen over night. This thinking took work. I started changing my thinking not with this blog, although blogging does change it in some ways, but this has taken me since I think March of this year. It wasn't over night. It took telling myself these things over and over till I believed them. Now I don't remember the last time I call myself names like stupid or fat. I have blonde moments don't get me wrong. They are just mistakes. I know that doesn't make me stupid. It makes me human.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Day 6
Today was an even busier day. It has come to my attention that I need to not just attempt a to-do list on my phone but actually write it down with an actual schedule and stick to it. My time management is out of control. I can't believe a SAHM even needs to do this but when you run your own business things get crazy at time. I have never been good at this. But my house house isn't staying very clean and my things aren't getting done. I did my workout tonight at like 9:30 pm. I am so glad I did even though about the only thing that is constant in my life and always has been is "my time". You know the time when the kids go to bed and you get to sit and just relax. I broke that rule today to workout. It was worth it but I would prefer not to let "my time" of relaxing go by the wayside every night. As a mom, I totally believe every mom needs that. I have long since given up the bath with a good book and replaced it with the computer and games, which I like but I also miss that long, hot bath with a good book. I may have to find time for both. This may mean going to bed at a sensible time. That is going to be hard with my husband of 49, who thinks a sensible time is like 3 or 4 am. That is all well and good for him he usually goes to work at like 2pm; but I get up at like 8 am. So, I never get enough sleep. Just in time to see my 13 year old off to school and greet the little girl I babysit a few days a week. I work on my business and receive phone calls from various people. And if one of my friends should happen to have an emergency who helps them out but me; which is what happened the last couple of days. If your the type of friend who will drop everything at the drop of a hat, things suffer if you don't have a list reminding you of what you need to do. I am a great friend. No one can fault me for that or say I am a bad friend. lol I am just bad at time management. I always have been. My brother used to joke when we were kids that I held the door open for everyone when God gave out brains and I fell asleep. I know he was just trying to get me mad but it has been true to an extent about me being to nice. So, dedicating myself to losing weight has been good for me. It has instilled some discipline because I don't want to be this size anymore. I now I see that with a little hard work and making sure I stick to my exercise everyday I can accomplish anything.
My workout today was back to Turbo Jam. This time it was Punch, Kick, and Jam. It was hard. My DVD screwed up, which in the past would have been an excuse to quit for the day. But I pushed myself to wait for the DVD to keep going and it did and I finished the 50 minutes. I am starting to do the kicks better. My thighs sweated more than they ever have in my life. I sweated right through my pants! It was great. My skinny workout pants are now loose and I feel it in my abs more every time I do it. I can't wait for tomorrow and to workout again. I know after a week that the more I do this it will work. Having accountability and motivation with my coach and determination is all I need to keep this up right to the end.
I really would like to know what you guys want to know about. Please make some comments. Let me know you are reading this.
My workout today was back to Turbo Jam. This time it was Punch, Kick, and Jam. It was hard. My DVD screwed up, which in the past would have been an excuse to quit for the day. But I pushed myself to wait for the DVD to keep going and it did and I finished the 50 minutes. I am starting to do the kicks better. My thighs sweated more than they ever have in my life. I sweated right through my pants! It was great. My skinny workout pants are now loose and I feel it in my abs more every time I do it. I can't wait for tomorrow and to workout again. I know after a week that the more I do this it will work. Having accountability and motivation with my coach and determination is all I need to keep this up right to the end.
I really would like to know what you guys want to know about. Please make some comments. Let me know you are reading this.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day 4
Today, I tried the weighted gloves that come with the Turbo Jam videos.This is the second time I have done the 20 minute workout. It was easier today even with the weight gloves. I am loving this! Someone on my Facebook page said I have Turbo Fever and you know what I do. When I got done my obliques hurt. I am pretty sure this was due to the gloves. I am so ready for the rest day tomorrow that the schedule calls for. I will probably do some other form of exercise that is a little less strenuous though. That way I am still doing some cardio. If you don't yet know, rest days are a good way to let your muscles recovery. It is like when you go to bed and rejuvenate. But you can exercise, it is just a matter of letting the muscle that you worked have a rest so my arms hurt from all the punches so I will do something that is easy on my arms and obliques. I will probably do Shimmy. It is a belly dancing workout that I have been doing for the last month from FitTV. It is awesome too. Low impact, barefoot which is great for my heel spur. And it focuses on my thighs, hips and belly. I will write more about that tomorrow as it is late and I am tired. One thing I need to work on is getting enough sleep.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Day 3
My daughter says my legs look smaller! Whoo hoo. She was watching me workout tonight in between talking to her teen friends on Facebook when she noticed. I am so excited. During losing my first 40 lbs I was kind of disappointed because I mostly lost weight across my chest and upper arms. There is a reason for that I know.
Number 1 when doing cardio you tend to loose fat around your heart first. This is usually most disappointing for women for a number of reasons. Our chest is so much part of us. Either we are big and we like that because we think that is what men like so loosing our D or bigger cups is devastating. like in my case. Or I see many women get upset because they were Cs or B cups and are worried that they will be As or flat chested. It is like somehow our woman hood is related to our boobs. We tend to have this idea that men or our husband won't like us if we aren't that perfect size. Or if as we get older or nurse our kids and our boobs start to droop that somehow along with loosing their perkiness we lose some sense of our sensuality or sexiness. But men like them in all shapes and sizes. No boob is the same anyway. Most aren't symmetrical but all they are is fat and mammary glands anyway. But yes they are what they are sex objects and food supplies for our babies. They are sensual, but I don't think that by losing some of the size that some how it makes them any less beautiful or they lose sensation.
Number 2 my arms lost weight and gained muscle because I was lifting weights. I was living at an apartment complex at the time that had a weight room and I took full advantage. Lifting weights makes you burn calories longer than with cardio alone. And women lifting heavy won't necessarily mean that you will gain large muscles. Sure we don't want to lift 300 lbs like men can sometimes. But lateral pull downs at 70 lbs or 80 if you can do it. Go for it. I was doing 70 when I moved a couple of months ago and I don't have huge muscles. But I am strong, which surprises many. I can lift my 45 lb son with no effort. In fact, he is now my bicep buddy. I do bicep curls with him. He loves it. Kids will do what is modeled to them. My teenage daughter isn't into working out ever. I didn't workout when she was younger. I was to depressed. But my 4 yr old son, will workout with me when he isn't running circles around me as I workout or stealing my water.
Being strong to me is important. I felt so weak for so long; still do most of the time. Those moments I feel strong I cherish. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I have felt like a child for so long. I am 36 now and still no matter what I do, say or act; I feel like a child. But when I workout, it makes me feel like a grown up. It makes me feel like I can take on the world the smaller I get and the stronger my muscles are. Like no matter what anybody, any man does to me maybe I could defend myself. I have let myself feel inferior to others. I got good grades in school because my father demanded it of me or there were consequences. I continued after my parents got divorced because it was something I could control. I didn't have to talk to people when I studied. I did enjoy learning because I felt smart the more I learned but when I would talk to others I still felt like they were smarter than me somehow. I know now it was all those tapes playing in my head that made me think that. Thinking that boys didn't like smart girls. And things like no man would like me with my thighs. Ugh Why did I listen to the men who said that?
My coach read day 1 and said she was so proud of me because I had made so much progress since she met me several months ago. She is right I have. I have not only taken step 1 in a lifestyle change, which is identifying what was my triggers to getting fat but I think and I maybe wrong that step 2 is learning to stop those tapes from playing in your head. They may play from time to time but learning to identify the bad self talk and finding strategies to get beyond the lies we have told ourselves all these years is huge.
Ok time to stop my psycho babbling for now and get to reality of where I am. Reality check:
Chest 44" R. Arm 16.75" R. Leg 27.75"
Waist 53.5" L. Arm 16" L Leg 28"
Hips 56.5"
Weight 301
I can't remember where I put my measurements from 6 months ago when I started losing weight; but I can remember I weighed 337 after I had been working out a week or so and my chest was 48". So, I know I have lost about 40lbs maybe more and at least 4" maybe more.
Seeing these measurements does upset me. In high school, I may have been 178 but I remember in jr high I probably weighed 156 and I measured my waist and it was 27". Now my thigh is that size. So not pretty.
Well, this is where I am now; I will just have to workout and lose it.
On a good note, Turbo Jam was awesome today. I worked out for 45 min. doing Cardio Party. The kicks are still hard for me to get the timing right. But as you already know I was a dancer not a kickboxer. I will get it;it just takes practice. The rest was really good. Even with my heel spur I could modify the moves so I could make it low impact when I needed. I drank 64 oz of water during the DVD and sweated for a good hour after. Was sore in my obliques and front abdominals for a bit but it has since subsided.
Number 1 when doing cardio you tend to loose fat around your heart first. This is usually most disappointing for women for a number of reasons. Our chest is so much part of us. Either we are big and we like that because we think that is what men like so loosing our D or bigger cups is devastating. like in my case. Or I see many women get upset because they were Cs or B cups and are worried that they will be As or flat chested. It is like somehow our woman hood is related to our boobs. We tend to have this idea that men or our husband won't like us if we aren't that perfect size. Or if as we get older or nurse our kids and our boobs start to droop that somehow along with loosing their perkiness we lose some sense of our sensuality or sexiness. But men like them in all shapes and sizes. No boob is the same anyway. Most aren't symmetrical but all they are is fat and mammary glands anyway. But yes they are what they are sex objects and food supplies for our babies. They are sensual, but I don't think that by losing some of the size that some how it makes them any less beautiful or they lose sensation.
Number 2 my arms lost weight and gained muscle because I was lifting weights. I was living at an apartment complex at the time that had a weight room and I took full advantage. Lifting weights makes you burn calories longer than with cardio alone. And women lifting heavy won't necessarily mean that you will gain large muscles. Sure we don't want to lift 300 lbs like men can sometimes. But lateral pull downs at 70 lbs or 80 if you can do it. Go for it. I was doing 70 when I moved a couple of months ago and I don't have huge muscles. But I am strong, which surprises many. I can lift my 45 lb son with no effort. In fact, he is now my bicep buddy. I do bicep curls with him. He loves it. Kids will do what is modeled to them. My teenage daughter isn't into working out ever. I didn't workout when she was younger. I was to depressed. But my 4 yr old son, will workout with me when he isn't running circles around me as I workout or stealing my water.
Being strong to me is important. I felt so weak for so long; still do most of the time. Those moments I feel strong I cherish. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I have felt like a child for so long. I am 36 now and still no matter what I do, say or act; I feel like a child. But when I workout, it makes me feel like a grown up. It makes me feel like I can take on the world the smaller I get and the stronger my muscles are. Like no matter what anybody, any man does to me maybe I could defend myself. I have let myself feel inferior to others. I got good grades in school because my father demanded it of me or there were consequences. I continued after my parents got divorced because it was something I could control. I didn't have to talk to people when I studied. I did enjoy learning because I felt smart the more I learned but when I would talk to others I still felt like they were smarter than me somehow. I know now it was all those tapes playing in my head that made me think that. Thinking that boys didn't like smart girls. And things like no man would like me with my thighs. Ugh Why did I listen to the men who said that?
My coach read day 1 and said she was so proud of me because I had made so much progress since she met me several months ago. She is right I have. I have not only taken step 1 in a lifestyle change, which is identifying what was my triggers to getting fat but I think and I maybe wrong that step 2 is learning to stop those tapes from playing in your head. They may play from time to time but learning to identify the bad self talk and finding strategies to get beyond the lies we have told ourselves all these years is huge.
Ok time to stop my psycho babbling for now and get to reality of where I am. Reality check:
Chest 44" R. Arm 16.75" R. Leg 27.75"
Waist 53.5" L. Arm 16" L Leg 28"
Hips 56.5"
Weight 301
I can't remember where I put my measurements from 6 months ago when I started losing weight; but I can remember I weighed 337 after I had been working out a week or so and my chest was 48". So, I know I have lost about 40lbs maybe more and at least 4" maybe more.
Seeing these measurements does upset me. In high school, I may have been 178 but I remember in jr high I probably weighed 156 and I measured my waist and it was 27". Now my thigh is that size. So not pretty.
Well, this is where I am now; I will just have to workout and lose it.
On a good note, Turbo Jam was awesome today. I worked out for 45 min. doing Cardio Party. The kicks are still hard for me to get the timing right. But as you already know I was a dancer not a kickboxer. I will get it;it just takes practice. The rest was really good. Even with my heel spur I could modify the moves so I could make it low impact when I needed. I drank 64 oz of water during the DVD and sweated for a good hour after. Was sore in my obliques and front abdominals for a bit but it has since subsided.
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