New Year's and Holiday Struggles

Happy New Year! The Christmas and New Year's Eve was tough on my workout schedule with my daughter and my husband home more and getting the house ready. Not to mention the food and the alcohol. Through it all I didn't miss more than a day or two at a time but still that wasn't my plan. I just didn't stay very motivated. I didn't stay contented with my coach or my coach network as much as I should have. But it is a new year, time to reevaluate and get back on track. No worries; took my measurements on Jan 1 and not doing to badly just not as good as I would have liked.

Chest 41.5 in          R arm 13.5 in    R leg 22.75

 Waist 49 in            L arm 12.5     L leg 22.5      
hips 53.5 in

These are my old measurements:

Chest   41.5"               R. Arm  13"         R. Leg   22"
Waist    49"                L. Arm   13.5"      L  Leg   23"
 Hips   54.5"              weight 284


So, my measurements weren't great but it wasn't horrible, but that is where I am. I have loved Turbo Jam. I have done it almost 2 months with being sick and the holidays. I am so glad I bough it. I stuck with it longer than any program I have ever bought. But I know after the holidays, I have a lot more work to do on my body (I want to lose over 100lbs this year) and I have more mental work to do to heal. I am so glad I am married to a loving man these days but I would really like to get to that place where holidays don't remind me of horrible memories. I know they are only memories but it has been my life.

I am only 36 but still feel like I have had 3 lifetimes maybe more. One with my dad,mom, and brother before I was 12, one with my mom as a single mom and my brother for part of it, and one with my ex husband which led to running away with my daughter and changing my name and social. How do you integrate these? They seem like such different experiences. Nothing was gradual. Everything seem to end so abruptly, except for the time with my mom. We had some of the funnest times and I did the natural progression and went to college, came home and ventured out on my own. But then I was married so quick. There was so much trauma with my dad and my ex husband and running away from him had such an impact on me. Being that scared for so long is never good on anyone. I have very few good memories with my father or my ex husband. I know there must have been more. The best memories of my father are when I was younger he made vanilla cokes for me and my brother one Saturday that my mom worked. The other good memories I have of him are of him playing guitar and singing. First lullabies and then songs he had written. He is an awesome musician and songwriter. Even had a few songs recorded but like some great musicians he was bipolar and he treated it with alcohol, which didn't make him a nice man.The older I got the worse it seemed to be the longer he was depressed. This takes a toll on a marriage and relationships with children. It seemed the more depressed he became the more he drank and the less we could please him. My preteen years were filled with trying to make him happy and him thinking I was lying or waking me up to practice piano or wash ALL the dishes because one dish wasn't cleaned properly. He lashed out a lot; he spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom or staying up late to watch adult movies when we finally got cable. Yes, he was abusive. I never wanted my kids to deal with this. I spent my teen years trying to pretend I didn't have a father. I had great Christian men who were like adopted dads to me at church. Thank God for them showing me that men could be loving and not be mean and cruel. My father eventually hit rock bottom after losing me and my mother; he kept a relationship with my brother. So, I tried to have a relationship with him thinking he was fixed. After all he was sober and had become a drug and alcohol counselor. But things never felt right, I always felt like he was lecturing me to not take any medicine even when I knew I needed it or when my daughter needed it. Things really hit an impasse when I wouldn't let my daughter go see him without me. But my job after I left my ex was to keep her safe. I agreed to give him my address so he could send school supplies. Next thing I knew my ex showed up in the town I had escaped to, 3000 miles away. I know in my heart my father gave him my address. This is just such a hard thing. It took me years to deal with the abuse and get over it. I have cut my father out of my life and have gotten together with my new husband since and am happy with my life. But now my brother wants me to talk to him again. I was doing great until my brother told me he listens to my dad cry about his non-relationship with me. I hate hurting people but my life was better until my brother got upset about this. I had moved on. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my brother with all of this. This is why holidays are hard. Families make you feel guilty or create drama. Memories get stirred up that were better left alone. I don't know the solution. I am just writing at this point and hoping I can work this out in my mind so I can get my focus back some. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. I just know I don't really want my father in my life.

Day 16- Good Results and Thoughts on Being Human

This week was a little more difficult in some ways staying on track. For my readers who aren't in the US, it was Thanksgiving, which is a holiday here that includes an incredible feast with family much like Christmas. So, having Turkey and mash potatoes is never great but having a lot of leftovers can be even worse on a diet. I wanted to do two workouts a day to help and try to keep my portions down. Well, I did pretty good with my portions on all the other days, except the actual Thanksgiving dinner. I did allow myself to have a little more but not a lot and no seconds. I even made myself workout before I had my pie. As my other posts this week have pointed at, I did not get two workouts a day in and I had to take two days off. My muscles are sore and heavy which makes working out hard. But I know the more I push myself the better I get. The stronger I feel. my punches are stronger, more precise and my kicks are stronger. I know this workout is kickboxing and not self defense but I know these moves could be used for that.It makes me feel like maybe I could defend myself if I needed to. After all I don't want to ever be put in the positions I have been. I think if only I had known this or that move. If only I had known my ex-husband was cheating on me. If only I had known about, certain things; maybe it would have been different but you know we can't go back and change the past. All we can do is live in the present and plan for the future. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. My ex may get wind of my online presence and come after me, heaven forbid. But if he does I hope all the work I am doing now, will prepare me. Saying that I guess I am still scared, but who wouldn't be? He told me that when I least expected it, he would be there. So, I try to stay vigilant about the safety of myself and my family. I know what he is capable of, even if my husband now says my ex won't do anything because he is here. I know it has been many years but you never forget when you are hurt like this. I have learned to forgive. Some may say how can you? Some things are just unforgivable but you know unforgiveness only breeds bitterness and anger. I don't want to be bitter. I have lived with bitter people before and it is much nicer for you and the people around you if you are not a bitter person. I hear my friends at church say to forgive and forget. My answer is "I am not God. I am human and in my mind it is like it was yesterday. If I forget, then it leaves me open to letting it happen again." You never know what will happen, good or bad. Being prepared for anything is your best option.

Took more measurement tonight.

Chest   43.25"     new 44"            R. Arm  15"          new  14"         R. Leg  25.25"     new 24.25"
Waist   53"          new  51"            L. Arm  15.5"       new   14.5"      L  Leg  25.5"       new 25"
 Hips   56"          new 55.25"

So, you can see I lost 5.5 more inches. That brings my total up to 15". Woohoo! Got tons more to go. I really do need to go to my doctor and get weighed this week. So excited but even if the scale doesn't say what I want I know my body is changing.

Hopefully, if there is anything that you as my reader can take away from this is you can't control anyone but you. Be kind to yourself; sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Deal with it and move on. If I had done what I have done before, I would have told myself how stupid I was for not doing what I had planned  and that I couldn't do it because I had no willpower. It is just too hard. What good did that ever do me? I ended up fatter every time. I  ended up unhappy and even more unhealthy. The other thing is I was proving my ex and my Dad right whenever I let myself fail. I don't want them to have that kind of power over me. I want to have power over myself. It truly is mind over matter. Having the will to succeed doesn't happen over night. This thinking took work. I started changing my thinking not with this blog, although blogging does change it in some ways, but this has taken me since I think March of this year. It wasn't over night. It took telling myself these things over and over till I believed them. Now I don't remember the last time I call myself names like stupid or fat. I have blonde moments don't get me wrong. They are just mistakes. I know that doesn't make me stupid. It makes me human.

Day 6

Today was an even busier day. It has come to my attention that I need to not just attempt a to-do list on my phone but actually write it down with an actual schedule and stick to it. My time management is out of control. I can't believe a SAHM even needs to do this but when you run your own business things get crazy at time. I have never been good at this. But my house house isn't staying very clean and my things aren't getting done. I did my workout tonight at like 9:30 pm. I am so glad I did even though about the only thing that is constant in my life and always has been is "my time". You know the time when the kids go to bed and you get to sit and just relax. I broke that rule today to workout. It was worth it but I would prefer not to let "my time" of relaxing go by the wayside every night. As a mom, I totally believe every mom needs that. I have long since given up the bath with a good book and replaced it with the computer and games, which I like but I also miss that long, hot bath with a good book. I may have to find time for both. This may mean going to bed at a sensible time. That is going to be hard with my husband of 49, who thinks a sensible time is like 3 or 4 am. That is all well and good for him he usually goes to work at like 2pm; but I get up at like 8 am. So, I never get enough sleep. Just in time to see my 13 year old off to school and greet the little girl I babysit a few days a week. I work on my business and receive phone calls from various people. And if one of my friends should happen to have an emergency who helps them out but me; which is what happened the last couple of days. If your the type of friend who will drop everything at the drop of a hat, things suffer if you don't have a list reminding you of what you need to do. I am a great friend. No one can fault me for that or say I am a bad friend. lol I am just bad at time management. I always have been. My brother used to joke when we were kids that I held the door open for everyone when God gave out brains and I fell asleep. I know he was just trying to get me mad but it has been true to an extent about me being to nice. So, dedicating myself to losing weight has been good for me. It has instilled some discipline because I don't want to be this size anymore. I now I see that with a little hard work and making sure I stick to my exercise everyday I can accomplish anything.

My workout today was back to Turbo Jam. This time it was Punch, Kick, and Jam. It was hard. My DVD screwed up, which in the past would have been an excuse to quit for the day. But I pushed myself to wait for the DVD to keep going and it did and I finished the 50 minutes. I am starting to do the kicks better. My thighs sweated more than they ever have in my life. I sweated right through my pants! It was great. My skinny workout pants are now loose and I feel it in my abs more every time I do it. I can't wait for tomorrow and to workout again. I know after a week that the more I do this it will work. Having accountability and motivation with my coach and determination is all I need to keep this up right to the end.

I really would like to know what you guys want to know about. Please make some comments. Let me know you are reading this.

Day 4

Today, I tried the weighted gloves that come with the Turbo Jam videos.This is the second time I have done the 20 minute workout. It was easier today even with the weight gloves.  I am loving this! Someone on my Facebook page said I have Turbo Fever and you know what I do. When I got done my obliques hurt. I am pretty sure this was due to the gloves. I am so ready for the rest day tomorrow that the schedule calls for. I will probably do some other form of exercise that is a little less strenuous though. That way I am still doing some cardio. If you don't yet know, rest days are a good way to let your muscles recovery. It is like when you go to bed and rejuvenate. But you can exercise, it is just a matter of letting the muscle that you worked have a rest so my arms hurt from all the punches so I will do something that is easy on my arms and obliques. I will probably do Shimmy. It is a belly dancing workout that I have been doing for the last month from FitTV. It is awesome too. Low impact, barefoot which is great for my heel spur. And it focuses on my thighs, hips and belly. I will write more about that tomorrow as it is late and I am tired. One thing I need to work on is getting enough sleep.

Day 3

My daughter says my legs look smaller! Whoo hoo. She was watching me workout tonight in between talking to her teen friends on Facebook when she noticed. I am so excited. During losing my first 40 lbs I was kind of disappointed because I mostly lost weight across my chest and upper arms. There is a reason for that I know.
 

Number 1 when doing cardio you tend to loose fat around your heart first. This is usually most disappointing for women for a number of reasons. Our chest is so much part of us. Either we are big and we like that because we think that is what men like so loosing our D or bigger cups is devastating. like in my case. Or I see many women get upset because they were Cs or B cups and are worried that they will be As or flat chested. It is like somehow our woman hood is related to our boobs. We tend to have this idea that men or our husband won't like us if we aren't that perfect size. Or if as we get older or nurse our kids and our boobs start to droop that somehow along with loosing their perkiness we lose some sense of our sensuality or sexiness. But men like them in all shapes and sizes. No boob is the same anyway. Most aren't symmetrical but all they are is fat and mammary glands anyway. But yes they are what they are sex objects and food supplies for our babies. They are sensual, but I don't think that by losing some of the size that some how it makes them any less beautiful or they lose sensation.

Number 2 my arms lost weight and gained muscle because I was lifting weights. I was living at an apartment complex at the time that had a weight room and I took full advantage. Lifting weights makes you burn calories longer than with cardio alone. And women lifting heavy won't necessarily mean that you will gain large muscles. Sure we don't want to lift 300 lbs like men can sometimes. But lateral pull downs at 70 lbs or 80 if you can do it. Go for it. I was doing 70 when I moved a couple of months ago and I don't have huge muscles. But I am strong, which surprises many. I can lift my 45 lb son with no effort. In fact, he is now my bicep buddy. I do bicep curls with him. He loves it. Kids will do what is modeled to them. My teenage daughter isn't into working out ever. I didn't workout when she was younger. I was to depressed. But my 4 yr old son, will workout with me when he isn't running circles around me as I workout or stealing my water.

Being strong to me is important. I felt so weak for so long; still do most of the time. Those moments I feel strong I cherish. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I have felt like a child for so long. I am 36 now and still no matter what I do, say or act; I feel like a child. But when I workout, it makes me feel like a grown up. It makes me feel like I can take on the world the smaller I get and the stronger my muscles are.  Like no matter what anybody, any man does to me maybe I could defend myself. I have let myself feel inferior to others. I got good grades in school because my father demanded it of me or there were consequences. I continued after my parents got divorced because it was something I could control. I didn't have to talk to people when I studied. I did enjoy learning because I felt smart the more I learned but when I would talk to others I still felt like they were smarter than me somehow. I know now it was all those tapes playing in my head that made me think that. Thinking that boys didn't like smart girls. And things like no man would like me with my thighs. Ugh Why did I listen to the men who said that?

My coach read day 1 and said she was so proud of me because I had made so much progress since she met me several months ago. She is right I have. I have not only taken step 1 in a lifestyle change, which is identifying what was my triggers to getting fat but I think and I maybe wrong that step 2 is learning to stop those tapes from playing in your head. They may play from time to time but learning to identify the bad self talk and finding strategies to get beyond the lies we have told ourselves all these years is huge.

Ok time to stop my psycho babbling for now and get to reality of where I am. Reality check:

Chest   44"                R. Arm  16.75"       R. Leg 27.75"
Waist  53.5"              L. Arm   16"           L  Leg  28"
 Hips  56.5"

Weight 301

I can't remember where I put my measurements from 6 months ago when I started losing weight; but I can remember I weighed 337 after I had been working out a week or so and my chest was 48". So, I know I have lost about 40lbs maybe more and at least 4" maybe more.
Seeing these measurements does upset me. In high school, I may have been 178 but I remember in jr high I probably weighed 156 and I measured my waist and it was 27". Now my thigh is that size. So not pretty.
Well, this is where I am now; I will just have to workout and lose it.

On a good note, Turbo Jam was awesome today. I worked out for 45 min. doing Cardio Party. The kicks are still hard for me to get the timing right. But as you already know I was a dancer not a kickboxer. I will get it;it just takes practice. The rest was really good. Even with my heel spur I could modify the moves so I could make it low impact when I needed. I drank 64 oz of water during the DVD and sweated for a good hour after. Was sore in my obliques and front abdominals for a bit but it has since subsided.