Vulnerability and Making Connections

On my quest to loose weight, I have realized that the most important part is to take people along with you or at least join people along the way. People who are positive and know that this monumental task for me is doable and worth the hard work. But why is that hard work? To skinnier people or people who have never struggled with weight, they might think that this isn't that difficult. You just go workout and not eat that much. But if you never find out why you got to this point and sort it out, I know through experience you might lose the weight or a portion of it but eventually you have to be normal and not on a diet or you'll get bored or just let everything in life get you down. And I have a lot in life to get me down. From my past, my childhood and my first marriage, to all those little gripes that everyone has: 1) my kids annoy me by a)not listening to me, b)not doing their chores/homework at all or not well enough; 2) my spouse/SO doesn't pay enough attention to me (i.e. always gaming, not cuddling/having sex enough); and 3) I have worked so hard and yet it isn't enough.

But when we focus on that, we tend to stop doing the work. So today I watched this video on Hope.4.The.Journey


I don't know what someone else will get out of it. It is probably different for everybody; but I truly understand that we can be very vulnerable and not make those connections because we weren't vulnerable enough to talk to people. I can write this blog all day long and post on twitter and Facebook but if I don't say hi because I am too fearful to do it; then I haven't become vulnerable to that. I put my heart out there all the time in this blog and Facebook and occasionally on Twitter. But like I am sure a lot of people we don't bring up everything to our spouses about how we wish it would be because we know what will happen. And we don't say hi in an inbox to a total stranger even after reading their freakinly awesome blog or post because why we might not be answered or they might ask why did you inbox or friend request me. So what?

 I think today I realized I won't realize my potential unless I have those conversations. I won't lose anything by most of them. Ok I might make my husband mad and he might stonewall me more. lol I am open to suggestions. Losing the next 100lbs will take awhile so I would like something now that I can use today. But as for talking to you guys, I think it is time to not just talk to you or those other people on twitter and Facebook every once in a blue moon but start doing it daily so it isn't so scary.  If that makes me have connections or friends that would be great.

We all need to make connections whether it is for business or just to have a good laugh every once in awhile.It can make our lives richer, fuller and sometimes just down right better. So feel free to comment and let me know how to contact you so we can connect.

Discipline and a Little Teamwork

This is what it takes to stay motivated. Sometimes it isn't always there and we have to push and try to get ourselves off the floor to do what we need for the day to continue on our journey to heal and be fit. We need to know our why and keep it in mind. I don't want to get stuck and die because I couldn't get through my emotions. I know one way to keep it going long term is to get other people involved in reaching your goals.

How bout you? What motivates you? From this Friday on I want to start something to get to know my readers better. Please post a video that inspires you and put the link in my comments. Let me know if I can post the link and on Sunday or Monday I will post your links. Let's keep motivating each other.

Day 34- Year End pictures and What I Have Gained

5/30/2010  before

5/30/2010   before

12/21/2010 53 lbs down

12/21/2010 53lbs down

Starting out was hard.












Staying  motivated was probably the hardest thing.













It is now getting easier. I am happy and have more energy.
















I still have a lot to lose and yes that is lose skin on my arms. When you have this much fat lost, you may get lose skin like this. It's ok at least I am healthier. And I am learning to be good to myself. I am not perfect; never will be. I learn things everyday (like how to post these pics). Most of all I am learning to love me. Yes I could have lost more this year. I didn't do my best but I did it. Next year I will do better. But I have gained so much more than just a healthier body. I am gaining mental health. I know now that I am in control of me. My tapes that used to play in my head, I don't hear that much anymore. I am a good person. I know that I can and will lose this weight. I know now that I can get a man to love me for me, not my potential. Being married past the time I was with my first husband, has showed me not all men are like my ex. I am stronger both physically and emotionally. I can't put a price tag on that.

Day 16- Good Results and Thoughts on Being Human

This week was a little more difficult in some ways staying on track. For my readers who aren't in the US, it was Thanksgiving, which is a holiday here that includes an incredible feast with family much like Christmas. So, having Turkey and mash potatoes is never great but having a lot of leftovers can be even worse on a diet. I wanted to do two workouts a day to help and try to keep my portions down. Well, I did pretty good with my portions on all the other days, except the actual Thanksgiving dinner. I did allow myself to have a little more but not a lot and no seconds. I even made myself workout before I had my pie. As my other posts this week have pointed at, I did not get two workouts a day in and I had to take two days off. My muscles are sore and heavy which makes working out hard. But I know the more I push myself the better I get. The stronger I feel. my punches are stronger, more precise and my kicks are stronger. I know this workout is kickboxing and not self defense but I know these moves could be used for that.It makes me feel like maybe I could defend myself if I needed to. After all I don't want to ever be put in the positions I have been. I think if only I had known this or that move. If only I had known my ex-husband was cheating on me. If only I had known about, certain things; maybe it would have been different but you know we can't go back and change the past. All we can do is live in the present and plan for the future. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. My ex may get wind of my online presence and come after me, heaven forbid. But if he does I hope all the work I am doing now, will prepare me. Saying that I guess I am still scared, but who wouldn't be? He told me that when I least expected it, he would be there. So, I try to stay vigilant about the safety of myself and my family. I know what he is capable of, even if my husband now says my ex won't do anything because he is here. I know it has been many years but you never forget when you are hurt like this. I have learned to forgive. Some may say how can you? Some things are just unforgivable but you know unforgiveness only breeds bitterness and anger. I don't want to be bitter. I have lived with bitter people before and it is much nicer for you and the people around you if you are not a bitter person. I hear my friends at church say to forgive and forget. My answer is "I am not God. I am human and in my mind it is like it was yesterday. If I forget, then it leaves me open to letting it happen again." You never know what will happen, good or bad. Being prepared for anything is your best option.

Took more measurement tonight.

Chest   43.25"     new 44"            R. Arm  15"          new  14"         R. Leg  25.25"     new 24.25"
Waist   53"          new  51"            L. Arm  15.5"       new   14.5"      L  Leg  25.5"       new 25"
 Hips   56"          new 55.25"

So, you can see I lost 5.5 more inches. That brings my total up to 15". Woohoo! Got tons more to go. I really do need to go to my doctor and get weighed this week. So excited but even if the scale doesn't say what I want I know my body is changing.

Hopefully, if there is anything that you as my reader can take away from this is you can't control anyone but you. Be kind to yourself; sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Deal with it and move on. If I had done what I have done before, I would have told myself how stupid I was for not doing what I had planned  and that I couldn't do it because I had no willpower. It is just too hard. What good did that ever do me? I ended up fatter every time. I  ended up unhappy and even more unhealthy. The other thing is I was proving my ex and my Dad right whenever I let myself fail. I don't want them to have that kind of power over me. I want to have power over myself. It truly is mind over matter. Having the will to succeed doesn't happen over night. This thinking took work. I started changing my thinking not with this blog, although blogging does change it in some ways, but this has taken me since I think March of this year. It wasn't over night. It took telling myself these things over and over till I believed them. Now I don't remember the last time I call myself names like stupid or fat. I have blonde moments don't get me wrong. They are just mistakes. I know that doesn't make me stupid. It makes me human.

Day 14- Pushing myself and Being brave

Yesterday was a great day. Thanksgiving usually is. I got up early to cook most the day. I enlisted my daughter's and husband's help this year with the cooking. It was busy anyway. We ate our feast and I asked everyone what they were thankful for and everyone grumbled "Why does she always do this?" But it was good. We all are very thankful to have the roof over our heads and a table with chairs to eat at. Seems silly if you don't know, my family and I were homeless for about 7 weeks this summer. It was a very poorly planned out move to another state. Not like my husband didn't have a job. And then when we did got in here, we didn't have chairs because our chairs didn't fit in our moving van. So, needless to say we all had much to be thankful for. I had set up some goals for me to get through Thanksgiving without loosing weight. I made sure I had the cranberries, so I got in some fruit. I tried to have more turkey and not as much potatoes and stuffing. And most of all I was going to two workouts before I had pie. No matter what happened I told myself I would not beat myself up if I didn't do some of these things. Well, I met most of my goals. I didn't do two workouts, but I did do an hour worth of Turbo Cardio Party. I didn't want to; not sure why but my muscles just didn't want to move. I hadn't over eaten. I had to push myself to get through the video. But by the end I was happy I had and then I did allow myself a piece of pie. We all will have days like that when we just don't want to exercise, we may not want to but we need to. What we will find in pushing ourselves is that one we can do it and two pride in the accomplishment. 

Today, was also a very good day. I did the Turbo Jam 20 minute video. I know I needed to workout. It would have all been to easy with the holiday season to just not do it. I still don't do all the moves right but I am getting better. The more you do it the easier the moves get. My form isn't great but I know with time it will get better. My son even pretended to work out with me. He was really cute with his weighted gloves on and everything.

One thing about having my situation. the domestic violence that was proceeded by years of stalking is the isolation. I have spent years not trusting people, hiding myself away for fear of my ex-husband finding me and my daughter. This meant things like moving a lot, changing our names, never taking the same way home because I could and have been followed.  It also has meant no contracts on my cell phone because he found me once through that. I have had to be very protective of my privacy. Going online meant no pictures online and never putting my real city where I lived. Slowly through talking to others I have learned to trust. I met my husband on the internet while I was gaming. It wasn't like I was looking. It just happened and even then I waited six months to give him my phone number. It was the best thing that I ever did. We have now been married three and a half years and have a beautiful son together. Only through his love have I learned to trust others and start to love myself. Without him, I probably wouldn't have started this journey. I would have continued thinking I was doing the best I could under these conditions. It has been through the internet that I have gone to school and finished my education this past year and through the internet that I met my coach. These things have been life changers for me. The internet has allowed me to come out of my shell. So, it was highly appropriate that the final act of self confidence, the very act of being out there and releasing myself from my ex's hold was on the internet. I accomplished this today, 11 years, 2 months, and 3 days after that night that changed everything. The night I told you about in my first post. Today, I took that final act of bravery and posted my picture. It was scary. I did cry and within moments I was met with such wonderful comments from my family and friends that I am so glad I finally did it. Everyone commented on how beautiful I was inside and out. Before I would have argued with them but today looking at myself on Facebook I saw the beautiful woman I had become. I saw how happy I am in my eyes and knew that they were right. I may not be as skinny as I want to be, but beauty isn't about that.