Monday, January 24, 2011

Vulnerability and Making Connections

On my quest to loose weight, I have realized that the most important part is to take people along with you or at least join people along the way. People who are positive and know that this monumental task for me is doable and worth the hard work. But why is that hard work? To skinnier people or people who have never struggled with weight, they might think that this isn't that difficult. You just go workout and not eat that much. But if you never find out why you got to this point and sort it out, I know through experience you might lose the weight or a portion of it but eventually you have to be normal and not on a diet or you'll get bored or just let everything in life get you down. And I have a lot in life to get me down. From my past, my childhood and my first marriage, to all those little gripes that everyone has: 1) my kids annoy me by a)not listening to me, b)not doing their chores/homework at all or not well enough; 2) my spouse/SO doesn't pay enough attention to me (i.e. always gaming, not cuddling/having sex enough); and 3) I have worked so hard and yet it isn't enough.

But when we focus on that, we tend to stop doing the work. So today I watched this video on Hope.4.The.Journey

I don't know what someone else will get out of it. It is probably different for everybody; but I truly understand that we can be very vulnerable and not make those connections because we weren't vulnerable enough to talk to people. I can write this blog all day long and post on twitter and Facebook but if I don't say hi because I am too fearful to do it; then I haven't become vulnerable to that. I put my heart out there all the time in this blog and Facebook and occasionally on Twitter. But like I am sure a lot of people we don't bring up everything to our spouses about how we wish it would be because we know what will happen. And we don't say hi in an inbox to a total stranger even after reading their freakinly awesome blog or post because why we might not be answered or they might ask why did you inbox or friend request me. So what?

 I think today I realized I won't realize my potential unless I have those conversations. I won't lose anything by most of them. Ok I might make my husband mad and he might stonewall me more. lol I am open to suggestions. Losing the next 100lbs will take awhile so I would like something now that I can use today. But as for talking to you guys, I think it is time to not just talk to you or those other people on twitter and Facebook every once in a blue moon but start doing it daily so it isn't so scary.  If that makes me have connections or friends that would be great.

We all need to make connections whether it is for business or just to have a good laugh every once in awhile.It can make our lives richer, fuller and sometimes just down right better. So feel free to comment and let me know how to contact you so we can connect.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Discipline and a Little Teamwork

This is what it takes to stay motivated. Sometimes it isn't always there and we have to push and try to get ourselves off the floor to do what we need for the day to continue on our journey to heal and be fit. We need to know our why and keep it in mind. I don't want to get stuck and die because I couldn't get through my emotions. I know one way to keep it going long term is to get other people involved in reaching your goals.

How bout you? What motivates you? From this Friday on I want to start something to get to know my readers better. Please post a video that inspires you and put the link in my comments. Let me know if I can post the link and on Sunday or Monday I will post your links. Let's keep motivating each other.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Bleeding Love

I love this song but it really has spoken to me on a different level this weekend. If you have been following my journey,you know I have been struggling a bit with my feelings with my father. It hit me after a few talks with people and a lot of thinking. Love is like a drug, whether it is love like you love a lover or a parent or a friend and if that love isn't healthy it doesn't mean it isn't real but that you may need to cut that person out of your life not because you don't love them but because it can freeze you emotionally. When people stop drinking or doing drugs, it requires a lifestyle change and cutting out friends that may have them going back to their old life. I had done that with my father. As mean and horrible as it may sound to some, it was the best thing I did for myself. But when my brother contacted me and wanted me to get in contact with my father again, it made me "bleed" love. I do love him and yes he will always be part of my life because he is my father. But if you are bleeding love eventually you freeze and die emotionally. For me that means, I would eat myself into the grave and literally die eventually. This isn't good for me or my kids or my husband.

I am sure not everyone will understand this but that's ok. This is my song that I am dedicating to my father. Doug please listen.. I do love you and I always will. I know you think that I was brainwashed by Mom but I have my own mind always have. And this is still MY decision.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Script - For The First Time (HD Version)

I was looking for another video to share with you this morning and I must have clicked the wrong link. This is from a band I have never heard of but I think it is still relevant. I might be weird but I think God talks to me through not only reading the Bible and prayer but through music. My schedule has to change so I can get up earlier. This is good even though I am so not a morning person. But when I get up earlier I can focus on me and have more to give my kids and husband. With this time, I can read my Bible and get back to being a better Christian and make sure my workout gets done.

It's about spending that time with myself and God just like this song talks about. Times might be tough but if we spend the time to get to know each other again it will bring back the feelings of falling in love for the first time. Only through having a better relationship with God and knowing myself better will I be able to get better and focus on healing.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Toto -Hold the Line

I know what you are thinking. This song isn't about weightloss or healing. But wait let me explain.

The work has gotten harder. I was on such an emotional  high going into the holidays and even through Thanksgiving. It was but one day. I was thinking Christmas and New Year's would be the same. But it wasn't. There is all the baggage from years past. I keep telling myself it is over. My mom got smart went on and got remarried. I, as you know,  left my ex and now have a good marriage and another child in addition to my beautiful teenage daughter. Life is going good right? Well, don't you know just when life is going good your self-doubts start to kick in. I only lost 53lbs. The guy on the Biggest Loser lost that much in his first two weeks! It took me a year. I started my own home business. Seems like it is going great. I got like 700 followers on twitter, almost 100 likers on Facebook, and a few here on blogger. I have two other coaches that I have personally sponsored and like 7 others that people above me have put under me. But I have only done this like 2 months. Am I seeing the income I want? No, because it isn't a job it's a business. I don't have the finances that some have to start with. So, my husband thinks I am only "playing on the computer" all day as I help others get started on their journey and help keep them motivated. Will it happen? Yes. I can see that all my hard work will eventually pay off for me and my family. So many business do fail in the first year I know but I also see the potential in this business to make me money.

I can't let my self doubt and the nay sayers get me down. I can see things changing in my life. I have accomplished so much. So what if it takes me longer to get to the finish line. Fact is IF I hold the line, keep doing what I am doing, keep pushing play everyday and working my game plan, things will work out. This is life. But I think all to often, we as humans tend to let past failures cloud our thinking even when we have a good thing going. It isn't in the way that you get there, it isn't in the words that people say to you, it isn't in the way you look now. Loving yourself isn't always on time. My accomplishments to date speak for themselves and if I want the outcome, I just have to keep doing what I am doing and not drop the ball. So what if you lose your way for a day or two or a week, the fact is get back on track and hold the line things will happen. It is so hard to see that in a long journey like this.

Things happen. You get sick or don't feel good for a few days. You can't workout for a few days. People think your crazy sometimes and don't think things are going fast enough and that it will never work. The best things in life are worth waiting for.We just have to put in the work. It took me years to get this way; it may take me more than a year to get my body back on track. If you're moving forward that is an accomplishment, whether anyone else sees it or not. to just make sure I continue to invest in myself. It is far to easy to quit when the going gets tough. lol I just thought about how many people do this with their marriages. It's too hard. I can't take it anymore. He isn't who I married. We all change, nobody is who they were when they got married. I know I changed the moment I said "I do" the first time. Man, thank God we can't divorce ourselves. Can you imagine the chaos?

Well, I guess that is my comic relief for the day.  Sorry, if I offended anyone with my take on marriage and divorce there. Have a good day and stop by my Facebook page, like me, and leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year's and Holiday Struggles

Happy New Year! The Christmas and New Year's Eve was tough on my workout schedule with my daughter and my husband home more and getting the house ready. Not to mention the food and the alcohol. Through it all I didn't miss more than a day or two at a time but still that wasn't my plan. I just didn't stay very motivated. I didn't stay contented with my coach or my coach network as much as I should have. But it is a new year, time to reevaluate and get back on track. No worries; took my measurements on Jan 1 and not doing to badly just not as good as I would have liked.
Chest 41.5 in          R arm 13.5 in    R leg 22.75
 Waist 49 in            L arm 12.5     L leg 22.5      
hips 53.5 in
These are my old measurements:
Chest   41.5"               R. Arm  13"         R. Leg   22"
Waist    49"                L. Arm   13.5"      L  Leg   23"
 Hips   54.5"              weight 284

So, my measurements weren't great but it wasn't horrible, but that is where I am. I have loved Turbo Jam. I have done it almost 2 months with being sick and the holidays. I am so glad I bough it. I stuck with it longer than any program I have ever bought. But I know after the holidays, I have a lot more work to do on my body (I want to lose over 100lbs this year) and I have more mental work to do to heal. I am so glad I am married to a loving man these days but I would really like to get to that place where holidays don't remind me of horrible memories. I know they are only memories but it has been my life.

I am only 36 but still feel like I have had 3 lifetimes maybe more. One with my dad,mom, and brother before I was 12, one with my mom as a single mom and my brother for part of it, and one with my ex husband which led to running away with my daughter and changing my name and social. How do you integrate these? They seem like such different experiences. Nothing was gradual. Everything seem to end so abruptly, except for the time with my mom. We had some of the funnest times and I did the natural progression and went to college, came home and ventured out on my own. But then I was married so quick. There was so much trauma with my dad and my ex husband and running away from him had such an impact on me. Being that scared for so long is never good on anyone. I have very few good memories with my father or my ex husband. I know there must have been more. The best memories of my father are when I was younger he made vanilla cokes for me and my brother one Saturday that my mom worked. The other good memories I have of him are of him playing guitar and singing. First lullabies and then songs he had written. He is an awesome musician and songwriter. Even had a few songs recorded but like some great musicians he was bipolar and he treated it with alcohol, which didn't make him a nice man.The older I got the worse it seemed to be the longer he was depressed. This takes a toll on a marriage and relationships with children. It seemed the more depressed he became the more he drank and the less we could please him. My preteen years were filled with trying to make him happy and him thinking I was lying or waking me up to practice piano or wash ALL the dishes because one dish wasn't cleaned properly. He lashed out a lot; he spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom or staying up late to watch adult movies when we finally got cable. Yes, he was abusive. I never wanted my kids to deal with this. I spent my teen years trying to pretend I didn't have a father. I had great Christian men who were like adopted dads to me at church. Thank God for them showing me that men could be loving and not be mean and cruel. My father eventually hit rock bottom after losing me and my mother; he kept a relationship with my brother. So, I tried to have a relationship with him thinking he was fixed. After all he was sober and had become a drug and alcohol counselor. But things never felt right, I always felt like he was lecturing me to not take any medicine even when I knew I needed it or when my daughter needed it. Things really hit an impasse when I wouldn't let my daughter go see him without me. But my job after I left my ex was to keep her safe. I agreed to give him my address so he could send school supplies. Next thing I knew my ex showed up in the town I had escaped to, 3000 miles away. I know in my heart my father gave him my address. This is just such a hard thing. It took me years to deal with the abuse and get over it. I have cut my father out of my life and have gotten together with my new husband since and am happy with my life. But now my brother wants me to talk to him again. I was doing great until my brother told me he listens to my dad cry about his non-relationship with me. I hate hurting people but my life was better until my brother got upset about this. I had moved on. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my brother with all of this. This is why holidays are hard. Families make you feel guilty or create drama. Memories get stirred up that were better left alone. I don't know the solution. I am just writing at this point and hoping I can work this out in my mind so I can get my focus back some. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. I just know I don't really want my father in my life.