Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year's and Holiday Struggles

Happy New Year! The Christmas and New Year's Eve was tough on my workout schedule with my daughter and my husband home more and getting the house ready. Not to mention the food and the alcohol. Through it all I didn't miss more than a day or two at a time but still that wasn't my plan. I just didn't stay very motivated. I didn't stay contented with my coach or my coach network as much as I should have. But it is a new year, time to reevaluate and get back on track. No worries; took my measurements on Jan 1 and not doing to badly just not as good as I would have liked.
Chest 41.5 in          R arm 13.5 in    R leg 22.75
 Waist 49 in            L arm 12.5     L leg 22.5      
hips 53.5 in
These are my old measurements:
Chest   41.5"               R. Arm  13"         R. Leg   22"
Waist    49"                L. Arm   13.5"      L  Leg   23"
 Hips   54.5"              weight 284

So, my measurements weren't great but it wasn't horrible, but that is where I am. I have loved Turbo Jam. I have done it almost 2 months with being sick and the holidays. I am so glad I bough it. I stuck with it longer than any program I have ever bought. But I know after the holidays, I have a lot more work to do on my body (I want to lose over 100lbs this year) and I have more mental work to do to heal. I am so glad I am married to a loving man these days but I would really like to get to that place where holidays don't remind me of horrible memories. I know they are only memories but it has been my life.

I am only 36 but still feel like I have had 3 lifetimes maybe more. One with my dad,mom, and brother before I was 12, one with my mom as a single mom and my brother for part of it, and one with my ex husband which led to running away with my daughter and changing my name and social. How do you integrate these? They seem like such different experiences. Nothing was gradual. Everything seem to end so abruptly, except for the time with my mom. We had some of the funnest times and I did the natural progression and went to college, came home and ventured out on my own. But then I was married so quick. There was so much trauma with my dad and my ex husband and running away from him had such an impact on me. Being that scared for so long is never good on anyone. I have very few good memories with my father or my ex husband. I know there must have been more. The best memories of my father are when I was younger he made vanilla cokes for me and my brother one Saturday that my mom worked. The other good memories I have of him are of him playing guitar and singing. First lullabies and then songs he had written. He is an awesome musician and songwriter. Even had a few songs recorded but like some great musicians he was bipolar and he treated it with alcohol, which didn't make him a nice man.The older I got the worse it seemed to be the longer he was depressed. This takes a toll on a marriage and relationships with children. It seemed the more depressed he became the more he drank and the less we could please him. My preteen years were filled with trying to make him happy and him thinking I was lying or waking me up to practice piano or wash ALL the dishes because one dish wasn't cleaned properly. He lashed out a lot; he spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom or staying up late to watch adult movies when we finally got cable. Yes, he was abusive. I never wanted my kids to deal with this. I spent my teen years trying to pretend I didn't have a father. I had great Christian men who were like adopted dads to me at church. Thank God for them showing me that men could be loving and not be mean and cruel. My father eventually hit rock bottom after losing me and my mother; he kept a relationship with my brother. So, I tried to have a relationship with him thinking he was fixed. After all he was sober and had become a drug and alcohol counselor. But things never felt right, I always felt like he was lecturing me to not take any medicine even when I knew I needed it or when my daughter needed it. Things really hit an impasse when I wouldn't let my daughter go see him without me. But my job after I left my ex was to keep her safe. I agreed to give him my address so he could send school supplies. Next thing I knew my ex showed up in the town I had escaped to, 3000 miles away. I know in my heart my father gave him my address. This is just such a hard thing. It took me years to deal with the abuse and get over it. I have cut my father out of my life and have gotten together with my new husband since and am happy with my life. But now my brother wants me to talk to him again. I was doing great until my brother told me he listens to my dad cry about his non-relationship with me. I hate hurting people but my life was better until my brother got upset about this. I had moved on. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my brother with all of this. This is why holidays are hard. Families make you feel guilty or create drama. Memories get stirred up that were better left alone. I don't know the solution. I am just writing at this point and hoping I can work this out in my mind so I can get my focus back some. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. I just know I don't really want my father in my life.

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