Today is Christmas Eve, it should be a happy time and for me today with my kids and husband it is. But for me it is bitter sweet. I remember so many holiday seasons living in fear, living on egg shells, just waiting for the last shoe to drop, just trying to keep the peace. I have so many memories of Christmas' past where my family just barely kept it together only to come to a head in January. The worst of which being the year my parents marriage finally dissolved. How I had wished my mother had left my father sooner. How I had wished my father never drank. How I wished my father loved us enough to get sober. But we can't change the past. We can however change our present situation and our future. I understand today why my mother didn't leave sooner. I had to study domestic violence and go through it myself to get it. I still don't understand my father. I suspect I never will. I love my kids enough to live. I love my kids so much that I want to not be addicted to alcohol or drugs or my food. And I love my food. I know it is my addiction. But I am fighting it everyday, not just for myself but for them. They deserve to have a great childhood with a mom that can keep up with them and who is happy. They deserve so much more than my father could give me. My mother gave me wonderful times in between the craziness of my father. I thank God that I had her.
I know now some of the many reasons she didn't leave my father. The biggest of which was probably our religion. I am a Christian. For those of us who are Christians, yes God hates divorce. He hates it because there is sin. With all divorce there is sin, it maybe yours; it may be his,but there is sin. Yes sin separates us from God but through repentance we can be saved and forgiven. There is no sin greater than the next in God's eyes. Divorce isn't worse than that lie you told. We as humans tend to have this hierarchy of sin. Sin is sin. We need to ask forgiveness and move on. God forgives and forgets. We as humans can learn to forgive but forgetting is harder. I always say I can forgive but remembering keeps me safe at least in the case of my ex husband. God doesn't want us to be abused. He created us for so much more. He wants you to live. He wants your kids to live. Don't be a martyr just not to sin.
One of the other reasons women stay ,and this may have been a factor with my mom, is the finances. I personally know that it can be very hard to make ends meet with kids and no husband. But it is far better to struggle than to put your life and the life of your kids at risk. Even if he never has crossed the line and made you afraid for your life, do you want your kids to think this is the way men are? There are great men out there. Men who won't abuse you or your kids. I can hear what some of you are saying "But he is a good father and doesn't abuse my kids." That won't last forever. And even if he never touched your kids, do you think it is ok for your kids to hear you fight. You might think it happens mostly when they are asleep, but I remember waking up countless nights to my parents fighting. Kids hear. They may not show it but it effects them.
Here's another excuse I have heard, but he doesn't abuse us because he has never hit us. If the man says horribly mean things all the time, it is still abuse; verbal abuse. The tapes that have played in my head day in and day out for years wasn't the beatings (although they come up sometimes) but the words that were spoken to me. I have had said to me "you'll never keep a man with those thighs". I have been called "Cow" and been told I would be pretty only if I lost the weight. These things stick with you for an awefully long time. One of the worst things ever said was "I wish you didn't bear my name" and "I wish I had never married you". Now I have forgiven these people for saying this. They may not even remember saying them; but I remember them. I have never forgotten (probably never will). I have learned it is much better for my sanity to forgive them. I would be a bitter old hag had I not. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be happy. So, I live my life away from people like that.
Has that meant being lonely at times? Yes. But I am far happier praying and loving some people from afar than being abused daily. If you are reading this and I have hit a nerve, remember there is life after abuse. You have to choose to live it. You have to decide when enough is enough. Do you love your kids enough? Do you love yourself? Do you love life enough? My chose was life and I choose it everyday with my choses. I am so glad I did . I left my ex with one kid and now have an awesome husband who takes care of me (don't get me wrong money is still very tight), and two beautiful kids. I wouldn't have changed one thing about my life. I am so glad I lived through what I did; for without it I wouldn't have had my kids or met my husband. I hope that every woman can get to where I am. What I don't wish is that everyone go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Be blessed take charge of your life. Choose life. It takes awhile for it to work out, but man is it worth it!
No comments:
Post a Comment