New Year's and Holiday Struggles

Happy New Year! The Christmas and New Year's Eve was tough on my workout schedule with my daughter and my husband home more and getting the house ready. Not to mention the food and the alcohol. Through it all I didn't miss more than a day or two at a time but still that wasn't my plan. I just didn't stay very motivated. I didn't stay contented with my coach or my coach network as much as I should have. But it is a new year, time to reevaluate and get back on track. No worries; took my measurements on Jan 1 and not doing to badly just not as good as I would have liked.

Chest 41.5 in          R arm 13.5 in    R leg 22.75

 Waist 49 in            L arm 12.5     L leg 22.5      
hips 53.5 in

These are my old measurements:

Chest   41.5"               R. Arm  13"         R. Leg   22"
Waist    49"                L. Arm   13.5"      L  Leg   23"
 Hips   54.5"              weight 284


So, my measurements weren't great but it wasn't horrible, but that is where I am. I have loved Turbo Jam. I have done it almost 2 months with being sick and the holidays. I am so glad I bough it. I stuck with it longer than any program I have ever bought. But I know after the holidays, I have a lot more work to do on my body (I want to lose over 100lbs this year) and I have more mental work to do to heal. I am so glad I am married to a loving man these days but I would really like to get to that place where holidays don't remind me of horrible memories. I know they are only memories but it has been my life.

I am only 36 but still feel like I have had 3 lifetimes maybe more. One with my dad,mom, and brother before I was 12, one with my mom as a single mom and my brother for part of it, and one with my ex husband which led to running away with my daughter and changing my name and social. How do you integrate these? They seem like such different experiences. Nothing was gradual. Everything seem to end so abruptly, except for the time with my mom. We had some of the funnest times and I did the natural progression and went to college, came home and ventured out on my own. But then I was married so quick. There was so much trauma with my dad and my ex husband and running away from him had such an impact on me. Being that scared for so long is never good on anyone. I have very few good memories with my father or my ex husband. I know there must have been more. The best memories of my father are when I was younger he made vanilla cokes for me and my brother one Saturday that my mom worked. The other good memories I have of him are of him playing guitar and singing. First lullabies and then songs he had written. He is an awesome musician and songwriter. Even had a few songs recorded but like some great musicians he was bipolar and he treated it with alcohol, which didn't make him a nice man.The older I got the worse it seemed to be the longer he was depressed. This takes a toll on a marriage and relationships with children. It seemed the more depressed he became the more he drank and the less we could please him. My preteen years were filled with trying to make him happy and him thinking I was lying or waking me up to practice piano or wash ALL the dishes because one dish wasn't cleaned properly. He lashed out a lot; he spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom or staying up late to watch adult movies when we finally got cable. Yes, he was abusive. I never wanted my kids to deal with this. I spent my teen years trying to pretend I didn't have a father. I had great Christian men who were like adopted dads to me at church. Thank God for them showing me that men could be loving and not be mean and cruel. My father eventually hit rock bottom after losing me and my mother; he kept a relationship with my brother. So, I tried to have a relationship with him thinking he was fixed. After all he was sober and had become a drug and alcohol counselor. But things never felt right, I always felt like he was lecturing me to not take any medicine even when I knew I needed it or when my daughter needed it. Things really hit an impasse when I wouldn't let my daughter go see him without me. But my job after I left my ex was to keep her safe. I agreed to give him my address so he could send school supplies. Next thing I knew my ex showed up in the town I had escaped to, 3000 miles away. I know in my heart my father gave him my address. This is just such a hard thing. It took me years to deal with the abuse and get over it. I have cut my father out of my life and have gotten together with my new husband since and am happy with my life. But now my brother wants me to talk to him again. I was doing great until my brother told me he listens to my dad cry about his non-relationship with me. I hate hurting people but my life was better until my brother got upset about this. I had moved on. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my brother with all of this. This is why holidays are hard. Families make you feel guilty or create drama. Memories get stirred up that were better left alone. I don't know the solution. I am just writing at this point and hoping I can work this out in my mind so I can get my focus back some. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. I just know I don't really want my father in my life.

To My Sisters Still Living in Domestic Violence

Today is Christmas Eve, it should be a happy time and for me today with my kids and husband it is. But for me it is bitter sweet. I remember so many holiday seasons living in fear, living on egg shells, just waiting for the last shoe to drop, just trying to keep the peace. I have so many memories of Christmas' past where my family just barely kept it together only to come to a head in January. The worst of which being the year my parents marriage finally dissolved. How I had wished my mother had left my father sooner. How I had wished my father never drank. How I wished my father loved us enough to get sober. But we can't change the past. We can however change our present situation and our future. I understand today why my mother didn't leave sooner. I had to study domestic violence and go through it myself to get it. I still don't understand my father. I suspect I never will. I love my kids enough to live. I love my kids so much that I want to not be addicted to alcohol or drugs or my food. And I love my food. I know it is my addiction. But I am fighting it everyday, not just for myself but for them. They deserve to have a great childhood with a mom that can keep up with them and who is happy. They deserve so much more than my father could give me. My mother gave me wonderful times in between the craziness of my father. I thank God that I had her.


I know now some of the many reasons she didn't leave my father. The biggest of which was probably our religion. I am a Christian. For those of us who are Christians, yes God  hates divorce. He hates it because there is sin. With all divorce there is sin, it maybe yours; it may be his,but there is sin. Yes sin separates us from God but through repentance we can be saved and forgiven. There is no sin greater than the next in God's eyes. Divorce isn't worse than that lie you told. We as humans tend to have this hierarchy of sin. Sin is sin. We need to ask forgiveness and move on. God forgives and forgets. We as humans can learn to forgive but forgetting is harder. I always say I can forgive but remembering keeps me safe at least in the case of my ex husband. God doesn't want us to be abused. He created us for so much more. He wants you to live. He wants your kids to live. Don't be a martyr just not to sin.


One of the other reasons women stay ,and this may have been a factor with my mom, is the finances. I personally know that it can be very hard to make ends meet with kids and no husband. But it is far better to struggle than to put your life and the life of your kids at risk. Even if he never has crossed the line and made you afraid for your life, do you want your kids to think this is the way men are? There are great men out there. Men who won't abuse you or your kids. I can hear what some of you are saying "But he is a good father and doesn't abuse my kids." That won't last forever. And even if he never touched your kids, do you think it is ok for your kids to hear you fight. You might think it happens mostly when they are asleep, but I remember waking up countless nights to my parents fighting. Kids hear. They may not show it but it effects them.

Here's another excuse I have heard, but he doesn't abuse us because he has never hit us. If the man says horribly mean things all the time, it is still abuse; verbal abuse. The tapes that have played in my head day in and day out for years wasn't the beatings (although they come up sometimes) but the words that were spoken to me. I have had said to me "you'll never keep a man with those thighs". I have been called "Cow" and been told I would be pretty only if I lost the weight. These things stick with you for an awefully long time. One of the worst things ever said was "I wish you didn't bear my name" and "I wish I had never married you". Now I have forgiven these people for saying this. They may not even remember saying them; but I remember them. I have never forgotten (probably never will). I have learned it is much better for my sanity to forgive them. I would be a bitter old hag had I not. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be happy. So, I live my life away from people like that.

Has that meant being lonely at times? Yes. But I am far happier praying and loving some people from afar than being abused daily. If you are reading this and I have hit a nerve, remember there is life after abuse. You have to choose to live it. You have to decide when enough is enough. Do you love your kids enough? Do you love yourself? Do you love life enough? My chose was life and I choose it everyday with my choses. I am so glad I did . I left my ex with one kid and now have an awesome husband who takes care of me (don't get me wrong money is still very tight), and two beautiful kids. I wouldn't have changed one thing about my life. I am so glad I lived through what I did; for without it I wouldn't have had my kids or met my husband. I hope that every woman can get to where I am. What I don't wish is that everyone go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Be blessed take charge of your life. Choose life. It takes awhile for it to work out, but man is it worth it!

Day 34- Year End pictures and What I Have Gained

5/30/2010  before

5/30/2010   before

12/21/2010 53 lbs down

12/21/2010 53lbs down

Starting out was hard.












Staying  motivated was probably the hardest thing.













It is now getting easier. I am happy and have more energy.
















I still have a lot to lose and yes that is lose skin on my arms. When you have this much fat lost, you may get lose skin like this. It's ok at least I am healthier. And I am learning to be good to myself. I am not perfect; never will be. I learn things everyday (like how to post these pics). Most of all I am learning to love me. Yes I could have lost more this year. I didn't do my best but I did it. Next year I will do better. But I have gained so much more than just a healthier body. I am gaining mental health. I know now that I am in control of me. My tapes that used to play in my head, I don't hear that much anymore. I am a good person. I know that I can and will lose this weight. I know now that I can get a man to love me for me, not my potential. Being married past the time I was with my first husband, has showed me not all men are like my ex. I am stronger both physically and emotionally. I can't put a price tag on that.

Day 32- Month and year results

These were my original measurements on Day 3:
Chest   44"                R. Arm  16.75"       R. Leg 27.75"
Waist  53.5"              L. Arm   16"           L  Leg  28"
 Hips  56.5"               weight 301 lbs

These are my new measurements:
Chest   41.5"               R. Arm  13"         R. Leg   22"
Waist    49"                L. Arm   13.5"      L  Leg   23"
 Hips   54.5"              weight 284

 Sorry I haven't posted in awhile I have been really sick. In fact, at the moment I have a sinus infection. But when I went to the doctor today I made them weigh me. Woohoo! I broke the 300 mark and crushed it. I am now 284. I can't believe it. I haven't got to workout very much in the last two weeks but I have eaten really small amounts because I wasn't really hungry. There were even times I made myself eat because I hadn't eaten or plain wasn't hungry all day. Sickness can do that to you. Funny it never did that before but this is a new chapter in my  life. I have officially lost 53 lbs now. So in the last month I have lost 17 lbs and 25 inches. I checked these like 10 times. It doesn't feel right. I have never done anything like this. Life does go on and just seems to get better.

Don't let this fool you I have not forgotten why I get sinus infections. I get these every year. I hate them and I never got them before the attack from my ex. I got them several times a year the first few years after. Now it is down to once a year. It is a constant reminder when it happens of that night when he body slammed me and beat my face into the floor. The doctors have taken multiple x-rays and say their is no permanent damage but I still get these sinus infections.  I hope in time maybe I won't get them anymore. But only time will tell. For now I just need to stay focused on my journey. And if I can continue to help others, that is what will help me be happy,motivated and accountable.


So tomorrow I will take pictures and post them on my Facebook page for you. Here's the link to Gabby Wells, my Facebook page. Please come and view them. I would love for you to "like" my page and connect with you there.

Day 20- A Setback and A New Plan to Forge Ahead

Well, yesterday I went to the doctor and got weighed. I wasn't to happy with the results.I now weigh 304. That means I have gained 3 pounds. I have worked hard so this makes me a little mad at myself. So, I took my measurements again to see if they had changed, hoping to find some rhyme or reason for this. Here are my measurements:
Chest   44"            new 43"                 R. Arm  14"          new  15"         R. Leg  24.25"     new 24.5"
Waist   51"             new  52.5"            L. Arm  14.5"       new   14.5"      L  Leg  25"       new 25"
 Hips   55.25"          new 54"
After looking  at this, I am guessing it could be a couple of things. 1) I wasn't that great at calorie control during Thanksgiving and 2) I probably have had some muscle gain.I know it could also be water weight. It makes me a little upset. I have decided that I need to watch my water intake a little better and start weighing my food in an effort to track my calories better. After all I have been doing about the same thing now since March. My body has probably adjusted to my smaller portions and now it is probably time to focus more on  my food once again. So,  today I went and bought a food scale. Time to rev up my efforts into high gear again. I won't let 3 lbs beat me. I have worked way to hard for this. I go see the doctor again on Monday for my medication refill. I know they will weigh me again. Wish it wasn't so soon. I know how addicted I can get to seeing the numbers. But who knows maybe I will have a nice outcome. My new plan will be to weigh all my food to come up with a calorie count. Track this on my Blackberry along with my water content and my workouts. I may not have a Bodybugg to see exactly what my energy expenditures are but my tracker can give me a rough estimate and do the math. Just in case this is something that you would like to do for your weight loss efforts. You can get a free tracker for your smart phone at SparkPeople.com. I already track my workouts at WOWY through beachbody.com but it does not say what my calories burned are. The thing I do like about WOWY Supergym is that I get a monthly view of what I have done and I get to chat in the cool down chat after I workout with people who are cooling down also. But having a tracker on your phone is invaluable. It is with you through out your whole day no matter where you are. I have used it before, hence it is already on my phone.

Day 19- Follow Friday Twitter style gone Blogging and Dealing with Limitations

I am always interested in your blogs. So when I saw another blogger I follow on Twitter do this in her blog I thought it was perfect. It is called a blog hop and it is much like Follow Friday on Twitter. If your reading this post your name on the list below so others can find you, including myself. Have fun with it. 

As for my journey, lately I have been very busy as I am sure most of you all are with the holidays upon us. I am learning new things everyday. I think the most important thing is I can do anything I set my mind to. There will be good days and bad days. Taking things one day at a time (to borrow a phrase) is the key. Health doesn't come over night. It takes work just like parenting, a business or a marriage. We have to put work into it everyday. We have to make time for it.

 We all have limitations. I can worry about my oldest kid but as she gets older I realize I don't have control over what she does. She is thirteen and I can encourage her but I can't make her decisions for her. She isn't the extension of me that she used to be. She is her own person just like my husband. Even with our own bodies as we get older or get injured we don't have the control over the situation like we would like. Yesterday, my heel spur hurt so bad I couldn't walk well. But I pushed through it and got done most of the things  I needed to get done for my family. Ok so sure, my workout didn't get done but I am ok with that. It was one day and I can't control my body as much as I would like anymore. Pain sets in and we have to take it easy. I am not taking my eyes off the prize--my health and my weight loss. I simply took a day off to rest my foot the best I could. Today, I will take some pain medication and workout. We all have to come to these realizations. We have limits, whether it is pushing another person or ourselves. It is hard and a struggle to not have control. These are the boundaries we work with though. What we can control is our attitude toward it. I think in the past I have let these limits take over my thinking and hold me back.  The worry, the self-doubt, the body image hating all have roots in control issues, limits and boundaries. Once we end our stinkin' thinkin', change our self talk about situations, things can and will start to change. It's all about our prospective. Sure we can't change others but we influence them everyday by what we do. We can't overcome all our medical issues, but we can work to change what we can. It's all in your prospective. Staying positive no matter what. Think it can't be done? lol I would have said the same a year ago but even I learned this during my homelessness. I got upset wanting to blame God, my husband, myself  for my situation. But I realized that it didn't matter who was to blame. I had to work to get myself and my family back on track. I also had to realize I could learn from it more than how not to become homeless again. I learned we can get through anything. Sometimes we need to reach out and ask for help. I did and found my coach. Who helped my stinkin thinkin and got me back on track. I started walking and doing strength exercises in the park after making phone calls to get us out of our car and into an apartment. It worked. It wasn't overnight. Nothing ever is. We just have to keep pushing forward. I now have a nice place and a business. Who'd have thought that? So keep pushing forward even if you have a set back. And if you need someone to talk to give you a push in the right direction, whether it be fitness or just life message me. 

Day 16- Good Results and Thoughts on Being Human

This week was a little more difficult in some ways staying on track. For my readers who aren't in the US, it was Thanksgiving, which is a holiday here that includes an incredible feast with family much like Christmas. So, having Turkey and mash potatoes is never great but having a lot of leftovers can be even worse on a diet. I wanted to do two workouts a day to help and try to keep my portions down. Well, I did pretty good with my portions on all the other days, except the actual Thanksgiving dinner. I did allow myself to have a little more but not a lot and no seconds. I even made myself workout before I had my pie. As my other posts this week have pointed at, I did not get two workouts a day in and I had to take two days off. My muscles are sore and heavy which makes working out hard. But I know the more I push myself the better I get. The stronger I feel. my punches are stronger, more precise and my kicks are stronger. I know this workout is kickboxing and not self defense but I know these moves could be used for that.It makes me feel like maybe I could defend myself if I needed to. After all I don't want to ever be put in the positions I have been. I think if only I had known this or that move. If only I had known my ex-husband was cheating on me. If only I had known about, certain things; maybe it would have been different but you know we can't go back and change the past. All we can do is live in the present and plan for the future. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. My ex may get wind of my online presence and come after me, heaven forbid. But if he does I hope all the work I am doing now, will prepare me. Saying that I guess I am still scared, but who wouldn't be? He told me that when I least expected it, he would be there. So, I try to stay vigilant about the safety of myself and my family. I know what he is capable of, even if my husband now says my ex won't do anything because he is here. I know it has been many years but you never forget when you are hurt like this. I have learned to forgive. Some may say how can you? Some things are just unforgivable but you know unforgiveness only breeds bitterness and anger. I don't want to be bitter. I have lived with bitter people before and it is much nicer for you and the people around you if you are not a bitter person. I hear my friends at church say to forgive and forget. My answer is "I am not God. I am human and in my mind it is like it was yesterday. If I forget, then it leaves me open to letting it happen again." You never know what will happen, good or bad. Being prepared for anything is your best option.

Took more measurement tonight.

Chest   43.25"     new 44"            R. Arm  15"          new  14"         R. Leg  25.25"     new 24.25"
Waist   53"          new  51"            L. Arm  15.5"       new   14.5"      L  Leg  25.5"       new 25"
 Hips   56"          new 55.25"

So, you can see I lost 5.5 more inches. That brings my total up to 15". Woohoo! Got tons more to go. I really do need to go to my doctor and get weighed this week. So excited but even if the scale doesn't say what I want I know my body is changing.

Hopefully, if there is anything that you as my reader can take away from this is you can't control anyone but you. Be kind to yourself; sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Deal with it and move on. If I had done what I have done before, I would have told myself how stupid I was for not doing what I had planned  and that I couldn't do it because I had no willpower. It is just too hard. What good did that ever do me? I ended up fatter every time. I  ended up unhappy and even more unhealthy. The other thing is I was proving my ex and my Dad right whenever I let myself fail. I don't want them to have that kind of power over me. I want to have power over myself. It truly is mind over matter. Having the will to succeed doesn't happen over night. This thinking took work. I started changing my thinking not with this blog, although blogging does change it in some ways, but this has taken me since I think March of this year. It wasn't over night. It took telling myself these things over and over till I believed them. Now I don't remember the last time I call myself names like stupid or fat. I have blonde moments don't get me wrong. They are just mistakes. I know that doesn't make me stupid. It makes me human.