Today was very busy. Work seemed to be never ending and getting house work done was almost impossible. Seems like when my teenage daughter is home from school, my four year old goes wild and it makes it harder to work. I didn't get my workout done until midnight. I really didn't want to workout at all today. But I pushed myself to get up and do the 20 minute workout even though I was supposed to do Cardio Party per the schedule that comes with the system. I was so happy I did that by the time the 20 minute video ended I was still raring to go and started the Ab Jam video or disc. lol I seem so old sometimes. Will I ever get used to new terms and technology? Speaking of feeling old, just the other day on twitter one of my friends asked if anyone remembered wearing leg warmers. Ah, that brought back some memories. I remember wearing legwarmers and headbands. I thought I was cool. My daughter would die. Of course this led to a conversation of old exercise gurus like Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons. I was in really good shape then. I wasn't really fat then. I was a little chubby. I did Jane Fonda during the summer that year and came back to school with a flat stomach but still felt fat. I remember wearing baggy clothes and one day when I dressed down for PE with my best friend she was surprised. She thought I was still overweight. I was so proud of myself. My reasoning for doing it then though was screwed up. I wanted one of my brother's friends, Marc, to notice me. It didn't work. He was at least three years older than me. When your in junior high, three years is a big difference. But I was young and thought that it didn't matter then. The things we learn as we grow is amazing. Now I know I have to finish this battle of the bulge for me. I have to want to live for my family, for my kids, but most of all for me. I don't want to go back to being that fat and I don't want to stay here. I know it will take more time. And more hard work.
There is no easy way to lose weight; no secret to fight the battle of the bulge. As wonderful as it would be if there was a magic pill or surgery, I totally believe now that only going through the hard stuff, all the emotions of why and the discipline of learning how to push through the tough things, is the only way to undo what got me here in the first place. It isn't about just losing the weight. It is about learning to have good self talk and stopping the old tapes that play in my head. Every horrible thing said to me about my weight. All the names I was called and I am fatter now. Wow, I hadn't thought about that. I am not going to cry. That boy in high school isn't here now who called me a cow and would say moo as I passed as he would shove me into the locker. I had my locker moved and still he managed to do it on the bus everyday until we moved to another house. I am going to lose this weight for me and feel good about myself when my 20th reunion comes up. That is what my journey is about learning to focus on me, feeling better about me, and being healthy. As hard as it is to remember these things, I need to feel my emotions and know that it is ok. I didn't then. Back then I went home, I might have complain about what a jerk he was, and had a coke and some chips. Or gone to work and has some fries and a chocolate milk shake (I worked at Burger King then). I would drowned my emotions in food. And yes, I am embarrassed to admit this but at one point I even turned to bulimia, thinking it would solve my weight problem. That lasted a couple years but in the end I liked binging to much. I went to OA for a while and there was a support group for kids with eating disorders at school, that seemed to help for awhile. But I know when my first fiance broke up with me, the first place I went was to Burger King to transfer stores since he worked with me and get my chocolate milk shake. Why because it hurt way to much to talk about it. I loved Steve so much and it hurt more than I could imagine.
But today, I am proud of myself I pushed through myself wanting to quit. That is what matters now. I have perseverance and disciple more than I ever have before. Now bring on Thanksgiving tomorrow. I know it will be a hard day with a lot of food around and lots to do. And as scary as that is I say "Bring it on". Why because nothing can be as hard as fighting for my life with domestic violence. Nothing can be as hard as being homeless. I have so much to be thankful for. I have 2 beautiful children, a wonderful husband who loves me, cherishes me fat or thin and I am proud of myself. I don't need the approval of my dad or my mother or any of my family. I am strong and I can get through Thanksgiving and the rest of my journey into wellness despite all that has happened to me. My name is no mistake. Gabrielle means strong, warrior because of the angel, Gabriel.Oh, that I may live up to my name.
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